Continuing my controversial series.....
Childhood is the best time of our lives if we are lucky to have caring parents, a family that can meet basic needs & sadly, IFF parents are not crazy for competition.
Now we all know, most parents want to fulfill their dreams through their children & sometimes became so obsessed about their so-called great future prospects that it kills the joy of being a child.
Irrespective of that, I have seen varied types of normal childhoods
a) Protective parents & children are unaware of the world around us. They focus on education & all kind of extra curricular activities (mostly in middle-class/upper middle class Indian families)
> The children get sudden shocks in teens or in college. Toughest to deal with given they are extremely pampered sometimes. In future, pampered children tend to struggle more in their marriage since they expect similar treatment from their wife/husband.
b) Over-progressive parents & children being too exposed (some households in India + many households in US - a quite enjoyable one unless they live in the poverty-stricken pockets of America)
> If these children can avoid some critical mistakes in teens/colleges, they do just fine sometimes better than the (a) types.
c) The Middle Path - where knowingly and unknowingly, children get some bad exposure too & learn from their experiences, so it a mix of joy, sorrow and getting matured.
> I am in this section. I think the expectations from the world are properly set.
Now about the competition part, I am not a parent so you can shout at me. That does not stop me to send this simple message to parents (or prospective parents):
1. You bring them to these lives, but you do not own them. And you may not be right about everything. So learn to study a bit about child psychology and learn to respect them. If you can respect your children apart from giving them your love and affection, they will learn to respect too. Please realize, you children give your more joy than you give them.
2. Your immaturity and insecurity should not affect their childhood. Usually the weaknesses of parents have great impact on the lives of their children. Try to self-analyze a bit and do not let your vices pass into newer generation. Yes, it is difficult but you can do that.
3. Love is not the answer to all questions. There are several instances where parents ruin the lives of their children even after loving them a lot. Love is a strong emotion and sometimes may force you to react in the most impractical way. So you think you are doing good to them but end up affecting them beyond repair. Mix a good amount of practicality and respect in your pool of affection minus the insecurity and lack of trust - you are in the right position.
4. It is a competitive world but rather build a character in your kids to fight that. She/he does not have to be the first in class and if we revisit lives, a good percentage of kids in the class shine in lives not only the first boy/girl. Help them to to get the best out of them, not to beat his/her classmate who is the first in class.
5. Stop the COMPARISON with their classmates. Period. If you compared them with others in class or try to compete with other parents, you are in the completely wrong path & ruining your happiness and your child's too.
6. Making them a superstar may be your priority, not the child's. Yes, I know after school, you may want a swimming class, dancing class, karate class, piano class, painting class & what not. But when will she/he play then? May be it is not bad idea to give them different options of extra curricular and see what they are interested in. Another request : No typecasting for Gender. You may have all wished her to be a dancing maestro but if she loves cricket (or painting), let her enjoy that. Similarly, if a boy loves dancing more than soccer, do not get angry as you have always dreamt of playing soccer with your soon.
7. Keep some time to educate them truly beyond textbooks. Build good qualities in them. Volunteer with them for a non-profit and nurture a culture of giving. Treat them as your friends. Give them responsibility when needed. TRUST them. Seniority in relation or age should not be focus in making decision. Bring a leader in them, not a follower. (India, for one, needs leaders than followers more than anything)
8. May sound rude, but do not bring a child to this world, if you are not ready for it. Be a little less selfish in this respect and forget society rules, it is important to realize once you bring a child to this world, she/he becomes a good involvement and your character & time plays a good role in bringing them up.
Now, what I enjoyed in my childhood - I enjoyed the games of cricket and soccer played in local club, the freedom of having spare time, the peace in mind being shielded from the complexity of world, chit chat with school friends, Aunt/Uncle's house visits, the wonderful tiffins my mom used to make during school days & the unexpected gifts I used to get from near & dear ones in birthdays; last but not the least, the epic fights I used to have with my Ma for being an adamant person from childhood.
I have seen enough sorrow and bad sides of life in my childhood and I do not regret a single day for that because they made me a mentally stronger person. That does not mean every child should be exposed to the bad parts of life but it is OK to have some exposure when it is around.
I turned out OK in my academics because I was practical enough to start studying well at critical junctions say Class 8/9. Realized when to focus on studies and when to refrain from cricket/movies etc & during those times, got enough support from people close to me. That was important.
I still remember the teacher who told I have no brain to do math and the teacher who told me I am very good at math. They both encouraged me in different ways. I still remember the punishment I got in class for something I did not do and how affected I was when some classmates conspired to suppress me in order to beat me in the meaningless competition.
Every day, I want to teach students and young kids that succeed with your classmates and friends, do not try to snatch the glory by leaving them behind. Every day, I want to tell people that meritocracy at young age is not fair before the path is curved. You can not compare kids of class V and say one is better than others, they have a long way to go & some may hop, some may run & some may walk.
If you love competition, Compete with yourself, not your friends or classmates.
So everyone must realize education is not competition and childhood is not the time for the competition. It is a time to create memories, it is a time to build character, it is a time to help a new addition to the world how important her/his role is & it is a time to Enjoy Life in the purest way. A mother/father must never forget what you could have enjoyed more in your childhood and have those dreams fulfilled for your kids, not your practical success-driven wishes.
NOTE: I am not a parent. I am not a child psychologist. I am not trying to consider my childhood as a baseline. However, I respect kids like I do respect elderly and that is why I am writing this post.
Childhood is the best time of our lives if we are lucky to have caring parents, a family that can meet basic needs & sadly, IFF parents are not crazy for competition.
Now we all know, most parents want to fulfill their dreams through their children & sometimes became so obsessed about their so-called great future prospects that it kills the joy of being a child.
Irrespective of that, I have seen varied types of normal childhoods
a) Protective parents & children are unaware of the world around us. They focus on education & all kind of extra curricular activities (mostly in middle-class/upper middle class Indian families)
> The children get sudden shocks in teens or in college. Toughest to deal with given they are extremely pampered sometimes. In future, pampered children tend to struggle more in their marriage since they expect similar treatment from their wife/husband.
b) Over-progressive parents & children being too exposed (some households in India + many households in US - a quite enjoyable one unless they live in the poverty-stricken pockets of America)
> If these children can avoid some critical mistakes in teens/colleges, they do just fine sometimes better than the (a) types.
c) The Middle Path - where knowingly and unknowingly, children get some bad exposure too & learn from their experiences, so it a mix of joy, sorrow and getting matured.
> I am in this section. I think the expectations from the world are properly set.
Now about the competition part, I am not a parent so you can shout at me. That does not stop me to send this simple message to parents (or prospective parents):
1. You bring them to these lives, but you do not own them. And you may not be right about everything. So learn to study a bit about child psychology and learn to respect them. If you can respect your children apart from giving them your love and affection, they will learn to respect too. Please realize, you children give your more joy than you give them.
2. Your immaturity and insecurity should not affect their childhood. Usually the weaknesses of parents have great impact on the lives of their children. Try to self-analyze a bit and do not let your vices pass into newer generation. Yes, it is difficult but you can do that.
3. Love is not the answer to all questions. There are several instances where parents ruin the lives of their children even after loving them a lot. Love is a strong emotion and sometimes may force you to react in the most impractical way. So you think you are doing good to them but end up affecting them beyond repair. Mix a good amount of practicality and respect in your pool of affection minus the insecurity and lack of trust - you are in the right position.
4. It is a competitive world but rather build a character in your kids to fight that. She/he does not have to be the first in class and if we revisit lives, a good percentage of kids in the class shine in lives not only the first boy/girl. Help them to to get the best out of them, not to beat his/her classmate who is the first in class.
5. Stop the COMPARISON with their classmates. Period. If you compared them with others in class or try to compete with other parents, you are in the completely wrong path & ruining your happiness and your child's too.
6. Making them a superstar may be your priority, not the child's. Yes, I know after school, you may want a swimming class, dancing class, karate class, piano class, painting class & what not. But when will she/he play then? May be it is not bad idea to give them different options of extra curricular and see what they are interested in. Another request : No typecasting for Gender. You may have all wished her to be a dancing maestro but if she loves cricket (or painting), let her enjoy that. Similarly, if a boy loves dancing more than soccer, do not get angry as you have always dreamt of playing soccer with your soon.
7. Keep some time to educate them truly beyond textbooks. Build good qualities in them. Volunteer with them for a non-profit and nurture a culture of giving. Treat them as your friends. Give them responsibility when needed. TRUST them. Seniority in relation or age should not be focus in making decision. Bring a leader in them, not a follower. (India, for one, needs leaders than followers more than anything)
8. May sound rude, but do not bring a child to this world, if you are not ready for it. Be a little less selfish in this respect and forget society rules, it is important to realize once you bring a child to this world, she/he becomes a good involvement and your character & time plays a good role in bringing them up.
Now, what I enjoyed in my childhood - I enjoyed the games of cricket and soccer played in local club, the freedom of having spare time, the peace in mind being shielded from the complexity of world, chit chat with school friends, Aunt/Uncle's house visits, the wonderful tiffins my mom used to make during school days & the unexpected gifts I used to get from near & dear ones in birthdays; last but not the least, the epic fights I used to have with my Ma for being an adamant person from childhood.
I have seen enough sorrow and bad sides of life in my childhood and I do not regret a single day for that because they made me a mentally stronger person. That does not mean every child should be exposed to the bad parts of life but it is OK to have some exposure when it is around.
I turned out OK in my academics because I was practical enough to start studying well at critical junctions say Class 8/9. Realized when to focus on studies and when to refrain from cricket/movies etc & during those times, got enough support from people close to me. That was important.
I still remember the teacher who told I have no brain to do math and the teacher who told me I am very good at math. They both encouraged me in different ways. I still remember the punishment I got in class for something I did not do and how affected I was when some classmates conspired to suppress me in order to beat me in the meaningless competition.
Every day, I want to teach students and young kids that succeed with your classmates and friends, do not try to snatch the glory by leaving them behind. Every day, I want to tell people that meritocracy at young age is not fair before the path is curved. You can not compare kids of class V and say one is better than others, they have a long way to go & some may hop, some may run & some may walk.
If you love competition, Compete with yourself, not your friends or classmates.
So everyone must realize education is not competition and childhood is not the time for the competition. It is a time to create memories, it is a time to build character, it is a time to help a new addition to the world how important her/his role is & it is a time to Enjoy Life in the purest way. A mother/father must never forget what you could have enjoyed more in your childhood and have those dreams fulfilled for your kids, not your practical success-driven wishes.
NOTE: I am not a parent. I am not a child psychologist. I am not trying to consider my childhood as a baseline. However, I respect kids like I do respect elderly and that is why I am writing this post.
