India - my emotional return and emotional exit

Disclaimer - I am not sugar-coating this post to be fair to my own feelings. Please do not consider this as everyone's experience after coming back. This experience is from someone who loves own country and its people but can not ignore the obvious in the fake blindness of patriotism. This is my personal experience and it should be treated as such.

This blog will be long.. Please skip this if you are in your judgmental or impatient mode. It will be about my little story about coming back to my home country, my beloved India after 10 long years and why I left again after 5 happening years. It is not something new but it may not be a regular story since I have spent one full year in those five yrs, travelling all around my own country.

When I moved back, I wrote one blog about the move. I think it makes sense to write at least once after the exit given it has been six months.There are friends who raised concerns when I left USA and there are the ones who gave me some heavy judgmental comments when I left again. Finally if one leaves a heavily crowded space of 1.3 Billion, nothing changes!

I had seen only a few places outside Kolkata and Kharagpur when I left India in 2003. I never worked in India by then and a student's life in India revolves around books and coaching centers. I had enough bad experiences though in my first 22 years like a not-so-smooth childhood in a crowded turbulent and noisy alley of Kolkata, getting terribly sick by overdose of medicines in undergrad college and experiencing some real scares due to government school system. Thankfully with some luck, some hard work, lots of support from parents and some good infrastructure in my college, I reached the next step - a full scholarship for PhD in USA. I felt a little sad while leaving only for the family bonds that were difficult to connect via technology in those days. That is what India meant to me back then - just family.

During my 10 years in USA, I had seen that country a lot more than India. I got my respect and empowerment in USA. I got my International exposure, close friends and an identity in USA. The education system and opportunities there helped me to support and transform situation of my family. I started running half marathons, trekking  mountains and became an outdoor person. I ended up visiting most national parks in USA and my bonds with nature started there. It was not always smooth but I learned to enjoy life in its full form. When in 2013, I came back to India, I knew I would be an alien in the first few months. I rejected the idea of secure return so I did not take my Green Card. I returned to India for a long haul - not just to test the water out. I also came back from a very beautiful place in California that I still miss.

When I came back and struggled to adjust to a completely different life I was not used to, these were the observations in first few years

- The technical environment is different even across same company in US and India. Even if the knowledge is similar but the backgrounds are drastically different. I missed the international environment  of USA surrounded by PhDs.

- Everyone talks about money. Sadly, I started that too.

- Outside office, if someone knows you have money, they want to sell you something. If from your appearance, it looks like you do not have money, then the cars won't stop for you and your existence has no value for anyone.
- The stress level of people is really high (specially the families with kids). Even if people can make their lives easier, they wont do it for some insignificant reasons. That affects everyone.

- Still the parents dictate the lives of many young people who are independent and working in good positions. That saddened me the most because this is exactly why caste and gender based discrimination culture is still there. The previous generation won't let the current one breathe.

- It is a life of hierarchy. If I walk through broken pavements in plain clothes and if I drive a car in my formal attire, the value of my life will be many fold.

- Little things to maintain outdoor-active life is cumbersome. To run a 10-km distance, one has to wake up at 4 am to avoid the traffic or the pollution.

- Most people judge your life specially the serious ones will never be happy. They will always criticize. Even if you sell your kidney to save a kid's life, they will say that you should have saved two. After a point, I just ignored.

- People do get lots of happiness talking negative things and insulting others in different ways.
- People made peace with compromises. For example, most people think to get a good job, one needs to deal with the pollution. To get a good salary, one has to sacrifice private life. To get a good education, one has to spend a fortune. When it becomes the country of compromise, what is there to change!

- It is also possible to ward off all the negativity with the help of good friends who have similar aims in life. I also got involved in direct non-profit social activities like teaching underprivileged kids. That was really satisfying.

- I kept my priorities straight to reach out the other sections of society (outside the technical crowd)

I slowly understood why people are not that outgoing in India in regular basis - because it is very difficult to have an active life. I understood why people need a caring family to always stick together - to give you moral boost when you have to deal with 2 hrs daily traffic and extreme work pressure. You need lots of friends because the infrastructure needs constant support. Even to maintain basic standards, one has to work very hard.

I also learned to answer those judgmental people that I have given back the govt subsidy in my undergrad years 20X in form of taxes while working in India.To remind myself,  I am among the niche section of 3% who give taxes in India and that is one of the biggest challenge of Indian Government other than the messed-up priorities of political parties. About taxes, it also feels better to think that I supported 2-3 teachers' salaries while paying taxes to Government because definitely the roads or pathetic support given to the poorer section of our society wont justify the tax.

I wrote a two-part blog after 2 years in India - part 1 & part 2. However, once my initial agenda was over, I was impatient and then I met Himalayas. That little encounter caused a journey of lifetime across the high altitude villages to remote corners of India. I spent close to six months in villages as part of my non profit agenda to change India from grass-root. I talked to hundreds of teachers and thousands of students. If you are interested, you can read the final verdict of my journey here.

About India (from an observer/traveler viewpoint not a techie)

When I traveled, I got rid of all the comforts of the riches and walked the roads in cheapest public transports in not-so-attractive clothes seeing corner to corner. I ended up walking close to 2000 km in Indian roads and trails.

The good/better/best

- I realized slowly the heart and soul of India do not lie in those congested polluted suffocated metros because our souls can not thrive in that environment. 

- India being a country of extremes, there are crazy good places with beauty and infinite warmth of local people. Every place is not like the hellhole called Delhi.

- The landscapes are mind-blowing and if you are ready to take the difficult path to walk the roads, you will discover it more

- Realize it or not, we spend a lot of energy and efforts for the food that we eat. The results are amazing almost in each part of India.

- The villages where plastics have not reached.

- The properly educated communities where people respect each other and there are many amazing people who are trying to save their environment. 

- The next generation full of energy and smile. It was difficult to integrate 5-6 hours of teaching as a volunteer in open and govt schools apart from my work but that was the best part of my weeks.

- Since there are so many options, you can always find warm-hearted people and you can lead a good life with lots of humane and positive energy.

- Most people are really hard working. Which is good as well as sad since people are fighting for some basic things like clean water, clean air and better environment for their children.

- There are super humans working among people who have the energy to transform thousands of lives. I have met such people in my non profit journey, not so much in my technical circle.

The Bad 

- It is a country of judgement. Everyone is judging! I get less judgement because I am a man and I am not so easy going when people throw comments. Women deal with a lot more. After a point, one can learn how to ignore the looks and comments easily. The more difficult form of that is in the inherent racism that you would face and notice. 

- It has a culture of expectations. It is a major propaganda and brainwash that will force you to feel that you are never able to meet people expectations. You can also learn to ignore that.

- There are too many boundaries between people. 

The Ugly

- The population and the mismanagement surrounding it are choking the next generation.

- The money-centric education and healthcare as a business both are crushing the lower middle class and part of middle class. This is causing a vicious cycle of poverty difficult to break.

- Having some of the most beautiful natural landscapes surrounding us, the people are destroying it one tree at a time. 

- Did I say the obsession of plastic. The village ponds are now plastic ponds, the lakes around metros are severely polluted. 
- The lack of trust. No wonder people do not want to go out of their comfort zones and the people they know well.

- The value of the 90% population of India who do not earn a lot. They are not well, they are insecure and when the majority is in distress, the country is in distress no matter what the well-to-do sections think. It is a country where you do not want to be someone without money. 

Why Leave again!!

Many asked me that, after knowing India so closely and able to contribute so much grass root, why leave then!  I will not bore you talking about the humiliation I faced while I tried to get involved with a clear mind or the out-of-place feeling among the egotist academicians of India who could not have any understanding of my profile. I was a bit unlucky in academic domains as well given my field is very infrastructure intensive and there is almost 10-15 years gap between India and developed countries in my field. It was embarrassing and it was difficult to prove again and again. I am tired to put all my time and energy in technical fields where I think more societal efforts than technical are needed to change India. And I can not survive outside an academic campus in metros. 

Once I read in Quora  where someone mentioned with own experiences that India does not need people who have proved themselves abroad because the ones who succeeded in India have struggled much more and they do not want you to get the best of both worlds. It is not an inclusive culture.

Sometime in 2018, I was sitting in a cemented auditorium in a good apartment complex of Bangalore and I noticed almost every kid is coughing. The air even inside the complex was polluted. Then I realized - it is such a sad situation here that even being the smartest people at work and buying apartment costing more than 60-70 lakhs, the parents are not able to guarantee breathable air for their kids. That is exactly where the formula of development of India is failing. It is failing the people even with more money flowing to the privileged, it is causing more harm than imagined. 

After my return from my travels and while spending 6 months in Kolkata and Bangalore, I coughed blood or fell plain sick whenever I walked without mask. The himalayan trekker felt weak and sick dealing with the pollution and the feeling of trapped in between the concrete, away from the blues and greens. 

You always have the moment when you decide that enough is enough. There comes a day while I was trying to make my way avoiding  the impending doom of being hit by cars to walk on a muddy road. I cursed all the way and regretted every little or big sacrifices I made to be in my home country, I decided that it is not working. It was very painful decision to leave but I left for the same reason as I came back - to be in a position to help others and myself. If I am sick and unhappy, I bring negative energy to a country that is already suffering from a lot of it. It was time to say good bye to a country whose landscapes I loved the most and people I feel most connected to.

My honest suggestion to friends who are planning to return -

Be aware that your homeland has a Human Development Rank of 130 in the world. So if you are here today reading my blog, it is because of luck - either being blessed with special intelligence that got noticed in the right place or being born in the right family. You are among the top 10 pct of the country and the rest 90 pct is not doing well. You have to live with the fact that most people in India are suffering and it is not getting much better because of growing population and failing models of development. Technology and some policies are improving the life styles of the top 10 pct. But it is getting more difficult for the majority with high inflation, unplanned govt policies and above all, heartlessness of people towards fellow citizens. When farmers protest, it is real. When common people are pushed to corner due to unmanageable population and apathy from others, it is real. When people say things are improving in India, it is just the lives of the chosen few.

But I still have hope that once population saturates, Government takes inclusive decisions to take care of everyone, the education spreads, farmers & entrepreneurs  from every corner push the transport mafias and middlemen out- India will be a more even place to live. Whether I will be alive that day or not, I am not sure but through my non profit efforts I will keep working on the topics of quality education and imparting skills of employ-ability. I do believe proper education and employ-ability training will be the key game charger in days to come. High tech sector may not solve most of India's problems.

Anyway, if you plan to come, secure your return in the form of foreign passports (if you can because when you try to go back, you will compete with millions) and have some strong long-term agenda in your mind, example follows

1) If you are one among the lucky fellows to have a PhD, Being a professor in India can be quite rewarding specially if you can teach well and have the energy to change the outdated culture of academic institutions of India.  You will breathe good air and good company in form of students with some sacrifice in the finance department.

2) If you are very family-centric and you do not care if the air is poisonous or not and you live less active and outgoing life, you should be OK. Among loved ones, the problems do not feel like problems. Problems are like opportunities to bond.

3) If you are not getting traction in your job abroad and got a great opportunity to lead a big team where you can contribute much more. Remember if you can bring more high tech jobs, that means more tax payers. Also in that process, you employ more people in all sectors - house-helps, drivers, grocery sellers. 

4) You are an entrepreneur by nature and you want to scale fast via Apps. India is the place to grow as even if you get traction in a small part of a town, you can get 100 thousand customers.

5) You are slowly changing and you do not like the change. Coming back will help to retain your own self. This was precisely the reason for me to come back and to leave again.

If you have kids, be prepared that they will not get access to breathable air unless you are fortunate enough to have the reason #1.

That is all. Please take this blog with all my mature and immature observations as I swing between practicality and pure emotional decisions. I never regretted coming back as it helped me discover the other sides of me - the funnier side, the adventurer, the traveler, the teacher and it also made me closer to my family.

About me and my decisions, India never left me because these metros are not good representatives of India - they are very small and insignificant parts of India for me. While being physically away from my family, technology is there and I learned how to effectively use the long distance communication tools for the ones I love. India for me is the beautiful landscape that embraced me and the smiles of children that motivated me to be more energetic in solving their problems. For that, I would rather be somewhere in the corner of the world where I can breathe and think clearly about their future. A happy mind is the most productive one and one should not go against it, no matter how much cultural brainwashing may ask someone to go in the other direction. If that leads me back to India again after a few years or a decade, I will happily do that.

A country is made up of both the natural landscapes and the people. When I left, I felt much more connected to both of these than most people in the country itself. So in that sense, I never left India.

The best parts of India - the landscapes and the children

Money

When you do not have it, you want some

When you have some, you want more

When you have more, you want even more!!!!

That is the regular trend but there are many exceptions...

You ignore emotions for it

You manipulate emotions for it

You justify fake emotions for it!!

But there are people who always placed heart before it......

Everyone knows that extra attachment to it, can cause discontent and that can obstruct happiness but people seek for it to get happiness. For most people (me too!), money creates a Catch 22 situation. You want it more and more so that you do not need it any more and can enjoy life. But the more you earn it, the more you want to have it and happiness becomes your second priority.

The theory of raising consciousness only makes sense for people who have enough of it. For the people who does not know if they have a job tomorrow and has no money, consciousness is an idea that won't feed them.

In any case, I can not chalk out the right things to do with this thing called money since I am not at all expert of this money management game and the game is actually very tough to play. However, I can share my personal habits, dilemmas  and thinking processes. (That is the point of blogs anyway to share and incite thoughts!)

Disclaimer : Everyone s life is different so should be the ideals. When I say that I follow this, does not mean other ways of living life is wrong. It is just a honest share. In these days of abusive social media posts and comparisons all the times to ones life with another, I want to say this up front. Please do not look at your life with my views. You can share your views in comment section whether it matches or completely opposite. 

I go by three basic principles or simple habits -

Over the years, no matter, what happens to the bank balance, reduce the individual monetary needs for living a happy life 

I can not stress this enough how reducing the needs have improved my life. Since 2000, when I started living on my own, the personal possessions started increasing till 2013. Then I donated a lot of things in USA and moved back to India. Another major collection of items started right after that and by 2016, I was full set of appliances and a car. I can not explain how happy I was to get rid of all that and lived for 18 months with 10-18 kg backpack. In 2017, I lived for 2 months with 5 kg bag in south east Asia and it was super fun.

Another experience worth sharing -  demonetization created havoc everywhere across India but that was the time when I had to live at 7 $ a day including food, travel and stay. I was in one of the remote areas of India where travel was not easy but I learned some basic skills in that process. Not only that, I understand (a little better) the despair and daily struggles of majority of population in India where they learnt to smile with all the monetary restrictions and changing priorities of Governments.

Important to note that I meant individual needs - not the needs of your family or the requirements for commitments you made. That calculation is separate whether it is for medical expenses, education expenses or something for other family needs. 

Spend according to habits but earn based on skill-set and qualifications

Sounds odd but this is the easiest of the three. Not to change ones requirements and spending habits once you have a decent bank balance. As long as your earning is more than your spending, it is cool. May be some will call you spendthrift, sometimes you may feel odd but it is good. But I want the salary based on my contribution and the finances of the company. If I save, I will keep it for my other interests. Even then if I have a good amount of saving at the end of my active life, I will donate to the needy.

This habit helped many decisions in my life easier. I always saved even in the times when I was a graduate student and even while providing most expenditures of my family. May be that is why it was a good step to finish the first innings of my life and start travelling for indefinite time ....18 months is not a bad break :-)

Enjoy life and make ultimate life decisions irrespective of money

This is the toughest one specially because I have some regrets in the darker days. The monetary loss are numbers and can be easily estimated. The other gains can be emotional gains, philosophical realizations that cannot be put in numbers even though these decisions changed the course of my life completely.

But I believe whether we have many lives or one, it should not be wasted chasing something that is an exchange tool. Money is definitely important but smile, bonding with family/friends, work life balance, being conscious, other interests, listening to own emotions and having the children alive inside us are equally or more important.

This photo I took in Assam reminds me of the usual money chasing game in this society.

The child in us

If you ask me where do I see myself in 5 years!!!

My answer will be  - 

I want to see the world as a child sees it. I wish to take on infinite waves of visuals and still be able to process it. I want to make friends without judging them. I want to enjoy the moments as it is without much over-thinking. I want to smile randomly at everyone. I want the grown up inside me to be active only for protection from the negative energies and  to deal with the difficult part of life. 

I remember a trekker friend told me once that the happiness on my face was very addictive during the Himalayan treks. I am not sure yet if the solitude and beauty in mountains made me connect to my inner feelings or it connects to the child in me. One thing for sure - after the close encounter with the mother nature, I started seeing and appreciating a whole new world without hesitations.

We are all aware of the fact that childhood has a major role to play in our lives - our belief system, our strengths and our weaknesses. Also, children are the most adorable part of society. A child's smile can take away the stress of 14-hour work day. But do we realize, as we grow old (or less young), we keep pushing our childhood away intentionally or by external forces? As we struggle to meet our needs or mere expectations after needs are fulfilled, we forget the one that can open the doors to happiness even in tough situations - the child in us.

The inner voice keeps blabbering on practical things and when I hand over the control to the childish self, I feel free and quite happy! For sometime, I am trying to figure out why I become friends with some people almost instantly and why some others' presence creates stress beyond the differences of behaviors, interests or life values. It somehow links to the child inside me. 

A healthy child in an acceptable environment is usually stress free, loves little things of life, do not over think, is usually very moody and wants to do things that she/he loves. Now lets say you keep that child intact even when you age, but you switch modes between the adult that restricts and the child that enjoys. That will be the ideal situation if you can balance them out.

Now back to some details about my own life...may be you will find similarities!

Who chokes the child inside me?

- The people who are always serious and take every word seriously
- The people who always compare 
- The ones who have lost the track for enjoying simple things
- The people who do not believe in being childish or impractical
- The people who can not properly (or whole-heartedly) smile
- The people chasing materialistic things after losing the button to shut that mode off time to time

Over time I developed a three-step process to deal with such people who chokes the child!

- Have a shield-on mode i.e. do not process information around them
- Never expose your 'immature' side
- If above two do not work, simply avoid them!

Who makes the child inside me happier?

- Children with smiles
- The people with authentic smiles
- The crazy people who are always impulsive and energetic
- The outdoor activities and games
- The people who can go beyond the surface complications of life and just enjoy life as it is
- The ones who have their children in them alive and then we sometimes become pals for life
- The ones thrilled with the beauty of this world

Now most important part - how can you keep your childish part alive?

- Pamper yourself time to time (chocolate, ice cream - have a guilty pleasure)
- Be mischievous
- Laugh aloud
- Be friends with children, not as a guardian or grown up but as their peer
- Stay closer to mother nature - trees , open wide sky, mountains , oceans , lakes that will help you feel like kids
- Child hood friends and your family will remind you of your childhood. Talk about your childhood
- Never burden yourself with too much serious things around
- Avoid the people or protect yourself from comparisons and the people who do that
- Strike a balance between the practical self and the impractical self
- And most importantly. do not ignore your creative side, your knowledge seeking side and your fun loving side
- Be THRILLED

Last but not the least, give me best of luck for being more childish!!

Mountains helped me a lot to keep the child alive across years and continents 

(Photo courtesy: fellow travelers)

Learning in First Retirement : The Final Verdict

This is my tenth and last blog in this series where I tried to pour my heart out about the 18-month break, I termed as my 'First Retirement'. Little breaks or big breaks are not too uncommon in this world but it is quite unusual in a country like India specially if the materialistic loss is high.

(All the learning from my journey can not be expressed in blogs. These long blogs already test patience of readers!!)

Usual questions and comments, I got so far-

I envy you!
You should make money out of travels!!
You are my inspiration, I want to follow your footsteps to quit job and travel!!!
Can you really come back to your old life?
Was it worth it to make this dent to your career?

and few negative comments that I discussed before.

Let me make it clear. I do not want to make any kind of statement. It is my own journey and your journey can be something very different. Finally life is not about ticking bucket lists (that is a travel agency propaganda...even though sometimes I get deviated too in such lists).

I do not want to be a misinterpreted inspiration. I do not want to be someone's reason to quit job so that one can experience the world. If someone wants to learn from my journey so far, that is to listen to your heart even if you are very good at calculations. Being impractical comes naturally to me, but not to everyone!

Why I may never make money out of my travels or my love of mountains? - Those things are too personal to me to get anyone else involved or ask for money from someone. There is an inherent dilemma when you love mountains and to stay in mountains, you bring more people to that sensitive ecosystem only to ruin it. You love traveling to secret and beautiful places and you share those secrets only to make them included in the bucket list of tourists. Also I believe a person can have multiple interests - one for earning and more passionate one into a hobby.

Things changed over time. The one I started in Himalayas, moved to villages of India to an obsession for treks to a backpacker in south east Asia to an agitated trekker in a group not willing to share Himalayas with others to a random traveler in Europe to a self discovery trip in solo treks of Nepal. The journey never ends. Towards the end, I was simply tired. I could not absorb any more and that was the time to stop...Take a deep breath and prepare for the next steps. I think I reached the best carefree state of mind of enjoying the travel somewhere between sixth and 10th month when I stopped planning and used to go with the random wishes every day. First two months were most enjoyable as I was there in higher Himalayas non-stop.

How Romantic is it? - You do come across those motivating news - 'He/she left his/her job to pursue .....' or the situation of the movie 'Swedes' where a NASA program manager comes for visit to India, helps villagers, and quits NASA to come back to India. I am sorry life is not a movie or a hurried news story that does not understand the basic principles of life. You quit your job because you were not happy. There is no romance in that. I have seen thousands of people in my journey who did not join a regular job at all because they were passionate about something else and that satisfaction was more valuable for that person. Similarly, some of the conclusions I reached at the end of my journey, many of my practical friends knew those all along and they did not have to experience it or quit their hard fought positions. 

Is this for everyone? - Absolutely Not. Some part of me still reminds me the amount of stocks (read travel money) I lost and the dent it created in my career. The other parts know that I took it because I follow my heart. I may have a strong practical sense but I like the impractical part of me more and when the time comes, the manager listens to that impractical one. You can read my conflicts here.

So please do not be inspired by my actions. Just follow your heart or whatever we mean by that! Since there will always be reasons to have regrets, why not live a little in the process!!

Some wise person once said, we live in moments. If you tell me to list my top 100 moments of life, more than 80 will be from these 18 months of journey. That should tell something about life in general. We do not remember the time when you become practical and do the right thing at the right time, you remember the time when you do something stupid to follow your heart.....whether that is love, that is going for some passion or just a little break in a long life like I did.

What about my state of mind? - Even if I collected a bag of great moments, the state of mind is dependent on the temporary things at that instant. But Knowledge is an integration. So I think my knowledge quota has expanded a lot. How I process that information and knowledge, is up to me now.

Not only I gained experiences, I got many friends outside my usual technical (primarily IIT) circle. Now I have good share of trekker friends, traveler friends and people I met during this journey. They helped me to get rid of some mental bias ingrained due to one specific type of friend settings I had in last 15 years.

What is good about it? - getting closures. I wanted to spend time in Himalayas long term - I experienced that. I wanted to travel around India in local transports like a commoner, I could do that. I used to spend 4-5 hours volunteering for kids every week and one day, I realized that should not be my reason to stay in a polluted city. So I spent 5 months in different schools not only to get better understanding of the problems grass-root but also to satisfy my volunteering spirits. Now that my mind got closures on those things I have been trying to do for many years,  I am relatively free to choose anything I want to do. NO REGRETS!

What is bad about it? - I never prepared myself for the day when I decided to stop traveling. You can not prepare for it. The one who started the journey wont be the same at the end. And that is a big problem. I never experienced such anger and irritation when I stopped travelling and tried to adjust to Indian Metros. I was terrible. I was sick for months. I became depressed. I lost my will to drag the days. It was hell after heavenly days of travel. Worst part was that most travelers have to endure this pain when they stop. But that time also proved the fact that I have changed and the things I could have made peace with before, are not negotiable any more. The more I discover about the changes and try to absorb the learning, the easier it will be to go on. You can not come back to your old life.

End of day, I can make mountains with waterfalls, lakes, rivers, glaciers next to a beautiful ocean all in my own mind any time. And I started integrating nature (anything not human made) in my regular life. That is a welcome change in my mentality. Other things are background noise that will always be there.

However, I want to mention that I just love the unpredictability of my life created by the way, I take decisions!! Some random comments and some interesting thought process made me come back to India after 10 years in USA. A friend willing to go to Himalayas forced me to plan for a trek in Himalayas. I found new ideas to take breaks after that trek and I executed it. I planned something for a six month break, I did something else. I extended it to 18 months. I tried to do a lot of things after coming back and I failed in most of them. Then some opportunity knocked on the door and I am again close to nature. It is just like a personal roller coaster in random tracks. And finally all our lives are, in a way or the other. The moment you realize you are just 1 among 7 Billion souls, the stress of roller coaster journey vanishes and you just enjoy the ups and downs. You can scream or you can smile for the camera!!

Some moments just happen without planning....

Learning in First Retirement : Escapist route

Let me start this post with a little story (the reason I am writing this post) :

It was the summer of 2016. I was on the first month of my travel spree. Me and  four french travelers were on our way to Tsomiri lake in Himalayas. We stopped for lunch to see a perplexed local lady of Ladakh while her kitchen had been captured by a big gang from Hyderabad. They paid her some money to get the kitchen and to make their own rice etc. We had no option but to go for pre-cooked meals. 
A very enthusiastic man came to us and sprinkled our plates with lots of powder (coriander and chilly mix). I was happy but the french travelers were shocked a bit on the 'it is good for you' treat. Suddenly a 30-40 years old man came to me and asked my whereabouts. After hearing my little story of quitting job and not getting married even at 35, he gave a strong statement - ' You are doing injustice to your parents'. 

I smiled in my usual way (the smile to suppress the irresistible urge to show one specific finger) but that comment was very important for me to give some thoughts into understanding life of many Indians in general. It also reminded me of one discussion with an elder colleague who stressed a lot on the fact that life without continuous presence of a family is not the right way to live...

I am lucky to have a cool family with progressive thoughts but most young people in our country (specially girls) have to go through all these comments and mental pressure if they dare to think beyond the usual cycle. 

Now listen to this 'escapist' :-)

Actually if I was born in a developed country, there is a high chance that I would not have written this blog. Sometimes back I penned down some thoughts about the cycle of life. You can read it too if you have some time for the second thoughts.

To spread genes is a primal urge and no matter how much we wrap it with the societal norms, it is what it is. Marriage in most conservative societies means the way to fulfill that responsibility. Nobody understands that marriage or finding a life partner is not an achievement. It is a choice. 

Coming back to family, there is a big difference between loving ones family and living with ones family. Many people live together and they forget how to care for each other. They hurt and make each others unhappy. Then it is a compulsion for economic and societal reasons not bonded by love. 

And, there is commitment. When you bring someone to this world, you are bound to make sure they breathe clean air, they eat well and they live a good life without cut throat competition. My questions to most people in India, can you give your child that? They are supposed to bring people in a beautiful world but too many of them fighting for basic necessities can create a chaos. At the same time, whether you want to be a father or mother, is not anybody's business as long as you are aware of the stress on natural resources! Beyond that calculations, kids bring unlimited supply of positive energy with their beautiful eyes and smiles to the world, just think a bit before introducing them to your world, please do not have kids because your mother wants to see a grandchild or your friends facebook picture with kids is too cute :-)

Let me reiterate, I am not against marriage or having kids. Feeling someone else in your heartbeat and seeing a little heart beating (with whom you will relive your childhood again) are beautiful emotions but at the same time, it is important to understand - it is a choice. Every human being is not destined to spend a big chunk of life on raising children and then forcing them to do the same in their lives. 

My logic is simple. I do not believe in such path of life as a requirement. Whether you want to marry someone you love is your personal choice because that is irrelevant other than a societal stamp. I do care for the kids in this world and that is why I would request everyone to think once more before bringing one more soul. Earth is suffering due the inefficiency as well as overload of one species and you deserve a choice. Life is not a list of check lists that we hurriedly tick by peer pressure.

Be an escapist! Escape from the forced societal norms and the choking peer pressure! Choose your own life! Do not look at others - it is not your duty to be a father or mother! It is not your duty to be trapped in one mega city because your loved ones demand that. People who truly love you, should know when to let go.  If you do not believe in incarnation, all the more reasons to live your own life not trying to live someone else's.

That is why I started travelling.... to realize what I am born to do! Because I am not born to live in one place for a long time neither I am born to do the imposed duties. I am born to be free. 

From my own experiences, a developed country does not push ideas into the minds of people. It helps the people to choose their own path with wider boundaries. I can only hope if every citizen of this world has that choice - they are not brainwashed since childhood to follow some imposed religious beliefs, some weird list of things named culture, some imposed responsibilities to choke them and live with closed windows to restrict their minds.

I dream of a world where everyone is taught the true journey of humanity through ups and downs -  to develop an open mind so that they can make their own choices and a room for the beloved minds with many windows!!  

That is the 'escapist' during that Tso Moriri trip in Ladakh

Learning in First Retirement : Being No One

It is very odd in Indian context to believe that I love being alone most of the times given I have always maintained close friendships in every strata of life.  The concept of ambivert is difficult to digest. And I do have a big friend circle. Over past 20 years, I have friends from the technical field, non profit and education fields, running and trekking enthusiasts, travelers and many others I met in my journeys. This is outside of the regular family, school/college and colleague circles.

I like being alone with nature (except the times when sharing makes me happy and my companion knows that silence is golden). Outside nature, in a new place, I like being surrounded by strangers who do not know me at all. What? Probably that is the reason I am also blessed with many long term friendships because somehow I made my friends understand the weirdness of my character. Even-if they are aware of my ever changing phases, they do respect my ideals (I hope!). In the regular part of life, I do spend time with my friends electronically or in person but lately, I am reducing the regular sections of my life a lot :-)

Most people I know crave for attachments. They surround themselves with people they know & love, things they care for and humans who value their existence. But I value my attachments too and listen to them 50% of the time. Rest of the time I like to be detached. Lately, I started enjoying being a stranger or a no one in this world. A lot!!

I was always an observer of life since childhood. My little 18 month journey helped me exploit that part of me even more. I traveled at least a year in that break, completely among strangers. However, when I wanted to connect, I made great friends too. One thing I noticed before, when we go somewhere surrounded by people we know, we make less connections to the place or people we visit. Hence it was very important for me to focus on the journey and understand different cultures plus experience natural beauties of India and beyond. When you quit your job or the regular life to travel, you can not waste that time in talking about your technical work among techies of Bangalore. Because that discussion does not make sense to you during that journey. You would rather talk to a farmer in a mountain village to understand how they collect water, how they spend their winter, what songs they listen to and what vegetables they eat. 

I observed more and more. Being silent helped me to absorb more. Being a stranger helped me to go unnoticed. It helped me to break my ego barriers as well. Knowingly or unknowingly, I had been communicating with a very specific set of people outside imposed relations - the smart and successful ones. It gave me opportunity to interact all sections of the society and conduct my social experiments as I mentioned in an earlier blog about looks and first expressions.

After I returned to my "regular" life, that learning helped me a lot to maintain a balance inside me. Now, every bus or train ride feels like a journey to a new world. I notice people more in my walks.  Somehow I could connect more to humane flow of energy. I can sense the stimulation of the world in the form of natural beauty or in human interaction form in deeper levels. As the surroundings change with time, I know that I am not a stranger - somehow there is an invisible bridge to the energy of 7 Billion souls and trillions of connection to the trees, lakes, oceans and mountains (remember 'Tsaheylu' from 'Avatar'). As I open the windows of my mind, the light sets in and there is  no darkness in the world.... I am no one and every one through those trillions of connections!!!

My Himalayan princess who helped me kick start the conversations with myself.. 

Learning in First Retirement : Technology is not everything

Before all my technical friends start calling me a hypocrite and chase me with their smartphones and sandals, let me explain!!! You do realize that this comment is coming from an electronics engineer who not only got his bread and butter from Technology and the newborn obsession towards technology, but that obsession got him running shoes and hiking boots too. (I will mostly talk about tech related to electronics and computers here)

Unfortunately, I am from a country where most people judge your success by the amounts getting credited to your bank account at the end of day. In that money driven culture, whichever field has the most number of jobs,  wins the race!! The poets, the painters, the social change-makers need to make way for engineers. 

India started producing innumerable number of engineers. Electronics and computers are the most coveted fields these days because hell ya!! smartphones  and bigger computers do connect everyone and make your jobs easier at work. Now Apps being designed in every field because people are busy and lazy. If you look at the advertisements of newer apps, you may think they want to make your lives easy but actually they mostly want your money, which is OK I guess. The technology is mostly targeted for people with purchasing power and the money is mostly revolving in that sector. However the rich persons technology today becomes accessible to everyone tomorrow and that is a good trend to be happy about.

In my country a teacher (non-government) may earn 1/100th of the salary of a mediocre engineer because business is profitable, shaping someone's life is not. Very few decisions makers are taking the future generation seriously rather we are creating more problems for them - polluted cities to connect them, un-breathable air of choked roads to employ them and a privilege based education system to divide them.

In my long list of school visits in recent years, I have asked how the school kids (first generation learners mostly) use technology. They all use whatsapp but very few know how to become a doctor or lawyer or engineer or teacher because they never google. That is the irony!! Technology is there but hardly it is used the way it should be. Forget kids, how we adults are using technology these days - to vent our anger or frustration, to spy on others lives more than to spread positive news or just connect with close friends..

Last year, I was spending some quality time at a village of Spiti Valley, India with altitude of 14700 ft. There is no mobile network and I was wondering about my happiness quotient being off-grid?

Oh yes, I was super happy. I started talking to people, I started catching the village vibe, I started noticing the trees, the mountain springs, the peaks and the deer around. Above all, nobody can reach me!! That is a bliss in the overdose of connections. Many people trekking in Indian side of Himalayas, mention that as a plus point (to be unreachable) But what about the villagers?

They have no way to connect to the nearby city or some doctor there. The older couples can not talk to their children working in Chandigarh or Shimla. They get news by TV all right but that is also limited by weather. Then is it bliss for them? Not really.

To me, Technology fails as a solution when it becomes a market case. It loses its purpose when it becomes a privilege not a right (specially life altering ones).

I wanted to realize the plus and minus of technology needs (as I was off grid for a good part of my first retirement)

In my humble opinion, we need

1) Technology with conscience - Technology for basic infrastructure is a right. There should be a differentiation between 'good to have' and 'must have's. Also destructive innovations for money is a mess. The reasons why most engineers are focusing on things other than environmental problems indicate our priority.

2) Humane bonding over technology - Interact with people directly when possible. Look at someone's eyes when you are visiting them , not your smartphone screens. Your instagram or facebook accounts are not real you. It can be a reflection of some moments but best moments in life can not be captured in frames.

3) Realization that technology can not bring happiness - Your passion or hobby does, use technology as a tool not your source of happiness. That video call to home can only bring happiness because of your emotional bonding not because of the phone itself.

4) Balance the use of technical devices to keep sanity. Catch the vibes of nature around you. Your creativity can flow without all the apps. Think about the usage of calculator. It should not be your reason to use one while multiplying 4 by 3. 

5) to prioritize own Health over this obsession - this needs no explanation. Google the problems of sleep and how recent devices affect your eyes and other health components.

6) To prioritize earth/ mother nature over this obsession - We are choking earth but technologists are not talking about that. Some world leaders are even avoiding that question. Bangalore is a good example where a city with 2M+ engineers made a mess of nature around them to fill more engineers in the city.

7) People over business - Just because we have technology-  do not forget people. In a people driven business, they are considered as human beings. For a money driven business, they are mere resources and world will collapse sooner than you think. I am extremely sad how automation is being used in most of the world.

Technology helped us build new things, solve problems that we never thought we can solve but it also created new problems and many recipes of  a stressful life.

If every problem can be solved with technology, then we would not have such problems with plastic, problems with fake news, problems of unhappiness even with everything, problems with providing basic necessities to half the population of earth. Most problems can be solved with a creative mind, conscience, love for nature and humanity....Technological advances can give us an extra hand.

Finally it comes down to the us - the users. It is a responsibility too not just privilege. The way we use our own innovations will decide the fate of humanity.

I will stop here....sorry for the serious tone and the long read!!

A free bird without access to technology (except the one to capture this photo) in that Spiti village taken by a fellow trekker

Learning in First Retirement : The Art of Under-achieving

The world is flooded with icons who have achieved a lot in their lives. Their achievements are mostly measured by the wealth/ companies they created and in some cases, the legacy they left in their world (in terms of any subject be it science, technology, humanitarian or philosophy). Though nowadays, it is all matter of publicity. This blog is not about that. This blog is about the so-called under-achieving.

I sometimes think how my life would have been if I did not do well in my exams or if I was just a mediocre student. True I could not have won bunch of personal battles but at the same time, life would have been easier too as long as I meet my basic necessities. Nobody cares what mediocre people do in this world. My successful past will not chase me from behind. It is comparatively easier to ignore what others think of yourself, it is very difficult to undermine what you think of yourself. 

What if just being a traveler is not enough? When your technical self keeps bothering your travelling self, whom to listen? When you are too connected to impact lives in other domains (say education sector for underprivileged), can you just listen to your own callings? That analysis I did a while back.

In the final year of my undergrad days, someone from USA visited us in IIT Kharagpur and told that most of us tend to underachieve. I did not like that comment since in my little world, I always wanted the impractical dreamy people to be appreciated for who they are. Today I have an answer to that comment. It is OK to under achieve as long as you are happy. Being an underachiever is a curse if your tend to do the biggest mistake (one can do in life) – compare ones life with another. Actually if something should be banned in this world, that should be the act of comparison. It is the most common cause of despair in human society.

First - Lets say, you realize the act of comparing is a bogus concept as it depends on your exposure and surroundings. Mostly it depends on your surroundings. If your surround yourselves with people who have achieved less than yours, your ego is boosted. If it is the opposite , you are down. I have seen peoples' smiles turning into despair when they see some pictures or news about their acquaintances in social media and found out their own lives are not as happening. So turn off the social media if that happens to you, I am serious!!

Second - Who is an achiever? Mostly we consider the ones who achieve highest materialistic wealth or fame. Is that achieving something? I do not think so. Achieve knowledge, achieve virtues, achieve  something that can make you - the best you. The real achievements can not be weighed or compared. Because this is only your scale and everyone must carry their own scales if you really wanna offer some constructive criticism to your own life. 

Third - We live in moments. Even if you did a bunch of things in the past, pretty much your last action decides your state of mind. I learned it a bit early (fortunately) so I do whatever I feel like. That is my definition of success. Do what you feel like!! Does my past chase me, yes!! Do some of my friends think I have wasted 18 months in jungles and mountains, they do!! Do I care? I do but I am trying to master the art of underachieving too. If you make peace with the fact that your happiness matters more than your so called underachieving, it is a good thing!!! Because no matter what I do or what I can do, there are millions ahead of me and millions behind.... I do not want to look ahead or back... I want to look beside me and enjoy those little moments from the perspective of one out of 7 Billion souls. 

When I started running half marathons ten years back, in the first few runs, I used to look at someone ahead of me for motivation. Later I just started smiling at people next to me after a happy eye contact, because that is the journey of life. DO NOT ANALYZE too much, just enjoy the moments and make peace with the uncertainty of next. When the journey gets boring or suffocating, try your best to change the route.

Finally you wont care what you achieved on paper as long as you have many memories to cherish.Something I learned during my travels. 

You may achieve more or less compared to your own expectations ......

Learning in First Retirement : India the way I see it

I do not consider myself very patriotic and given I spent a lot of time outside India, I try to look at it the way it is. I do not add spices. I do not wear a special "India is great" glass to look everything at positive spirits. Neither I block off the pains nor I feel terribly sad. I just look at the landscapes and the people of India with my eyes and keep observing. It is definitely not the greatest country on earth, but it is some country!!

Please note, I kept landscapes and people separate. Do not mix them. One is hurting the other. The billion of one kind are hurting and polluting the landscapes even if we are all part of the same nature.

India is not only the mountains of garbage lying in the beaches of Mumbai...
India meditates in the valleys, lakes and mountain peaks of  mighty Himalayas

India is not only the suffocating air of Delhi, Kolkata or Bangalore...
India breathes in the green western ghats and the waterfalls of Meghalaya after a refreshing monsoon

India is not only the streets of Jaipur with child hawkers selling some random things at 45 deg C...
India thrives in the smiles of little kids in school uniforms at remote villages 

India is not only the soul-crushing metro alleys where friends become strangers
India becomes lively in the corners of lazy small towns where everyone knows each other..

India is not only the traffic jams of Bangalore where bad infrastructure haunts Indian Silicon Valley..
India takes you in a roller coaster ride in the hair pin bends of its mountain roads

India is not only the undrinkable water polluted from sewage of unregulated industries
India flows in the Himalayan and rainy rivers meeting seas on both sides

India is not only the choked next generation not ready for the competition waiting for them.
India dreams through the eyes of  some 100 million school going children

India is this,that and much more.

For me, a year of continuous travel across India in the cheapest mode of transit revealed the parts I was never aware of. I threw myself out of the comfort zone. I fell, got angry, stood up and then I smiled. What India meant to me when I was 5, 15 or 25, is no longer the same.

Whether I physically stay in India or not, is irrelevant. India lives in my soul. My India is like a long lost friend. The sense of togetherness is impossible to ignore. Now I know where the heart and  soul of my birth country rest.

That is why India is a very weird country...you can love or you can hate but you can not ignore!!

Me discovering India!

PS: I wanted to put a pic of the garbage heap of Mumbai beach or the water clogged roads of Mumbai but I dropped the idea. Let the positive sides win in my blog (at least).

Learning in First Retirement : Realizing the BOXed Life

This is exactly why I told my friends to think wisely before taking a long break in the mountains specially if they have to come back to over-congested metros.

I have been always a metro boy. Born and raised in Kolkata, my first green living experience was in Kharagpur campus. That time, I was not matured enough to enjoy the greenery around. Next 10 years in USA were spent in decent places where I could always find easy escapes to mountains or jungles or pacific ocean.

Then I came to Bangalore. Irvine,California to Bangalore was a huge jump. The concrete jungle hit me on the face. The trees started disappearing over next 3 years of my time in Bangalore. It got more polluted and more dusty. It was still bearable because I always found better things to think about. However, it made me realize many things I took for granted in my US life.

But my 18 month journey that followed made me more rigid in many aspects. The same life that was acceptable to me 2 years before, feels suffocating. I believe that clean breathable air is a birth right. My legs need freedom, I will walk and I will not take a cab. I can not confine myself in the boundaries of cement. I need trees nearby my home, my office and pretty much everywhere. Thankfully the office campus where I work now is landscaped well but the minute I am out of the gate, I need a mask.

It is difficult to unlearn something. The things I learned amidst nature in last two years, can not be ignored. And suddenly the regular metro life of India seems like a BOXed life.

What is BOX-ed life?

There are primarily three boxes - one at home, one at office and one that takes people between other two boxes (Car mostly). We live in these three boxes. Probably most people watch the sky 5 minutes in a day. We can not see any stars from these boxes. If we are lucky, we may see some trees that are dying slowly by the pollution and the dust. 

I am empowered enough to quit this BOX-ed life. But most people can not. And some do not know the alternatives. And I think it is best not to know. Because if they know, it will be tougher to accept!!

Still few things can keep the spirits high in the box-ed life - Money and human bonding (love, friendship). And of course, human beings have great adaptive skills too....

On a sad note, I will finish here.... Why?? Civilization Why?? Why can not we keep the balance even after so many advancements?? Why can't we provide clean air to breathe, clean water to drink and a clean path to walk for the next generation?? Why greed always wins !! 

Break from boxes!!!

Learning in First Retirement : Self-conflict and coexistence

How does it feel after the first retirement ? - an 18 month journey through mountains, lakes, secluded beaches, rural India, history-rich cities across 19 countries. I left my well-paid job to figure out " what I am born to do rather than what I am trained to do". Did I figure it out?

There is no straight answer. Yes, I figured out what I am born to do. I am born to travel at shoe string budget like locals in countries where people even do not understand my languages. Yes I am born to trek from one section of Himalayas to another without being tired (being madly in love with heavenly views and feelings). Yes, I can completely wipe out my past and feel fresh like a student learning from Nature, the best teacher. I am at peace spending time with students in rural areas of India away from the concrete jungle and teach them better lessons of life. Yes, I can feel homely away from home and look at life with deeper perspectives.

But what next? NO IDEA and that is the beauty of life!! I am not sorry that I have not figured or chalked out my life completely. Bigger question in my mind is " if you find peace and tranquility, why will you come back to the noisy,demanding and chaotic version of the life?" 

Is it because of the bonding with humans I used to know in my past?

Is it because I miss my technical self time to time?

Is it because I miss the feeling of power when I earn according to my qualifications?

Is it because I am scared that my himalayan romance may not last long when we are always close?

The transition from work to travel was easier. It started like an extended holiday, then slowly I moved into a zone of my own. After a year, I can not remember the person who used to work in technical field.

The transition from travel to work is not easy. While I was travelling for 18 months, I never thought what will I happen at the end of it. People kept bugging me what did you get? What will you do now? 

The simple answer I can give for now - I am a combination of many selves with some coexisting peacefully and some fighting with each other (all the time!!).  

Namely, 

The Family Guy - the one who cares for family members and does justice to responsibilities

The Good Friend (social guy) - surrounded by close friends and the one who tries to bring smiles 

The Introvert - who wants to stay in his own zone without being disturbed

The Humanist Self - the one who believes in uplifting the disadvantaged section of society

The Adventurer - who loves adrenaline rush and tries to explore new things via trekking

The Nature Lover - who is at peace with nature be it serene mountains or secluded ocean beach

The Learner - who experiments and learns for new realizations or adaptability

The Teacher - the one who loves to open new doors in people s minds 
The Philosopher - the one who asks questions that make everyone more confused but provides the guiding light in darker days

& finally, 

The Technical Self - who uses the brain the maximum to meet practical and earthly requirements to make all other selves happy.   

Different times, different part wins and the guy writing this blog is just a manager trying to maintain some kind of balance. 
When things goes crazy, I take executive decisions. When some part gets suffocated, I give complete freedom. When the other parts get sad, I change the priorities.

True I can not do complete justice to all but I wont let the fire die in any one of them!! I am still discovering new things and the inner conflicts will continue. It may be stressful time to time, but the journey is enjoyable in most parts. 

The bigger the group gets, the manager needs to be smarter to get the best out of the coexistence !! That is all :-)

Definitely the mountain (nature) lover (from the eyes of a fellow trekker)