Time to delve into one of the most talked topic in Today's times and something I can spend hours discussing if a friend of mine is planning to quit....This is the first Chapter.
Disclaimer: I am just a humanist who believes in equal opportunity for all and right to happiness for all. In the true meaning of the word, I am a feminist as well then. I have delved into the women empowerment topic before . Read through this!!
The Story of Indian Women
I am considering only women in India and that too, from educated families in cities. For my non profit connections, I am well aware about the situations in villages but that is much more serious problem to analyze and solve. I have stayed in USA for a long time and there, at least, men and women work side by side and not working is something people are forced into due to layoffs, not by family pressure. Such decisions are not forced into someone as there is a little more sense of freedom/privacy in ones life and less intrusion by the family members specially when there is no meddling requirements.
So, here we are - a society where we educate our daughters, become over protective about them when they become teenagers, track them when they go to colleges for safety, pressurize them for marriage when they reach 22-25 and manipulate them to quit their jobs. In some cases, brainwash them so much in their childhood that they will always consider the greater good of family above their own. They wont feel regret till the moment comes when their kids tell them 'who told you to be a housewife'!!!
If there are some statistics, I can bet this is the story of more than 50% working women in 2000-2010 in India. Things are improving a bit in mega cities not because of sudden change in social structures but for mostly financial reasons.
Now what is wrong with this story!!!
Let me pour out my humble opinion (I am not very Sanaskari by nature, traveled a lot so a bit open-minded and thankfully I was not brainwashed with the patriarchal lessons in my childhood ):
1) Manipulation
" your mother-in-law is not feeling well, she needs your care!"
" your son needs you now!"
"your husband is going through a tough phase, supporting home front is very crucial. you are the Lakshmi of our home. You need to do the right thing!"
"It is so competitive out there, you need to be there at home when your kids come home to give them extra support"
The stories of manipulation in the name of family are endless. We hear them daily and without knowing, we started saying them as well. It is easy, right? Give some extra respect, compare them with Lakshmi/Saraswati etc and take away their career, manipulating their emotional being. Feels like a win-win situation!!
Emotions are not for sacrifices, emotions are to strengthen ones mind so that there is no need for sacrifices.
2) Hypocrisy
When the EMI hits the roof, no problem when they both work. When things are financially stable, suddenly the need at the home front becomes very crucial. Also, you become very progressive when it comes to someone else s daughter but your own daughter or daughter-in-law is different, right!!
"Whenever it comes to values, a good women is the one who will right all the wrongs in family, who will take care of the breakfast-lunch-dinner, keep everything in order, take care of the man of the house and the kids. Because that is how family works, right? " - SERIOUSLY? And we talk about women empowerment and become extremely vocal when there are gender-based discriminations.
3) Shackles
The day a girl child is born in a great family, golden shackles are tied to her. As if she enters the world to be a caring sister, loving daughter, all rounder wife, wonderful daughter-in-law, fix-it-all mother and so on.
What about her dreams? her aspirations? her thoughts?
4) Giving No Choice
Taking a break from grinding corporate life is a different thing but in most parts of India, we do not give choices like ' not to marry', 'not to be a mother'. The day you (girls) are born , your parents have planned everything for you because it is good for you. Seriously, then 100% women must be happy, right?
One working woman goes through a divorce for some reason, her examples are cited to scare everyone but there are many many women at home living with tears , trying their best to make everything right in those 1-2 hrs of interaction with husband and kids end of the day may not be enough.
5) Glorifying Motherhood
Yes. Women == Mother in our culture. I am sorry but we guys are not portrayed as Fathers everywhere. We can be many other things. But for girls, after they are married and have kids, their all identities are absorbed into motherhood.
It works because it is very convenient for the rest. The husband can come back home at 10 pm , pat his 3 month old son and watch cricket, no problems!!! And of course, we mention everywhere we reached here and there because of our mothers. Without her sacrifice, we have never reached where we are now.
My question to you : if we love our mothers so much, why does she have to sacrifice in the first place?
And how come, everybody is entitled to decide for a mother what is good for her kids?
6) Dependency
May be we would have got 10 marks less in math, had few more feverish weeks but she does not have to depend on us to make life happening. She does not need to wait for our updates. She may had her own work friends, her own hobbies and her own engagements if she was not a housewife.
Being a housewife creates three types of dependency - financial, emotional and success. One needs to taste success only through the promotions of their husbands and trophies of sons/daughters. Who likes 2nd-hand success?
Also, without engagement, people starts loosing confidence and slowly becomes dependent which is not good for anyone in the society.
7) Conspiracy
End of the day, I think the concept of housewife and the glorification of motherhood are tactically-thought conspiracies of patriarchal society. Even I find many women explaining why it is important or so without knowing the level of brainwash happened in their childhood.
8) Men vs Women
In the end, a society where we can not replace men in the role of women and vice versa, is not a stable one. If kids are being taken cared of, let the women work and let the men stay at home. If it is so rewarding to be the caregiver at home, men should get their share of rewards too, right? Children are brought to the world by both and the burden should be carried by both too.
9) Exploitation
Strong word right? When it comes to someone you love and care for. But we have been doing this for ages in the name of family. When 50% of society are not given chances to follow their passion, we are not in our full potential as a society to solve worlds problems.
Nobody needs the house to be cleaned every day, nobody needs the favorite dishes in your dinner table, nobody needs a mother who will give her life for betterment of yours in an infinite loop, what we need is happy sisters, happy mothers, happy daughters who are not brainwashed or held back.
10) Suffocation
Lets not suffocate women in the society in the name of culture, family values and exploit their emotional beings. Set them Free.
That is ALL.
Next blog will be about survival strategies of working women in this world because society wont realize problems overnight. It is not a Hindi movie where the villain suddenly realizes all the fault and takes a 180 degree turn in the climax.
Disclaimer: I am just a humanist who believes in equal opportunity for all and right to happiness for all. In the true meaning of the word, I am a feminist as well then. I have delved into the women empowerment topic before . Read through this!!
The Story of Indian Women
I am considering only women in India and that too, from educated families in cities. For my non profit connections, I am well aware about the situations in villages but that is much more serious problem to analyze and solve. I have stayed in USA for a long time and there, at least, men and women work side by side and not working is something people are forced into due to layoffs, not by family pressure. Such decisions are not forced into someone as there is a little more sense of freedom/privacy in ones life and less intrusion by the family members specially when there is no meddling requirements.
So, here we are - a society where we educate our daughters, become over protective about them when they become teenagers, track them when they go to colleges for safety, pressurize them for marriage when they reach 22-25 and manipulate them to quit their jobs. In some cases, brainwash them so much in their childhood that they will always consider the greater good of family above their own. They wont feel regret till the moment comes when their kids tell them 'who told you to be a housewife'!!!
If there are some statistics, I can bet this is the story of more than 50% working women in 2000-2010 in India. Things are improving a bit in mega cities not because of sudden change in social structures but for mostly financial reasons.
Now what is wrong with this story!!!
Let me pour out my humble opinion (I am not very Sanaskari by nature, traveled a lot so a bit open-minded and thankfully I was not brainwashed with the patriarchal lessons in my childhood ):
1) Manipulation
" your mother-in-law is not feeling well, she needs your care!"
" your son needs you now!"
"your husband is going through a tough phase, supporting home front is very crucial. you are the Lakshmi of our home. You need to do the right thing!"
"It is so competitive out there, you need to be there at home when your kids come home to give them extra support"
The stories of manipulation in the name of family are endless. We hear them daily and without knowing, we started saying them as well. It is easy, right? Give some extra respect, compare them with Lakshmi/Saraswati etc and take away their career, manipulating their emotional being. Feels like a win-win situation!!
Emotions are not for sacrifices, emotions are to strengthen ones mind so that there is no need for sacrifices.
2) Hypocrisy
When the EMI hits the roof, no problem when they both work. When things are financially stable, suddenly the need at the home front becomes very crucial. Also, you become very progressive when it comes to someone else s daughter but your own daughter or daughter-in-law is different, right!!
"Whenever it comes to values, a good women is the one who will right all the wrongs in family, who will take care of the breakfast-lunch-dinner, keep everything in order, take care of the man of the house and the kids. Because that is how family works, right? " - SERIOUSLY? And we talk about women empowerment and become extremely vocal when there are gender-based discriminations.
3) Shackles
The day a girl child is born in a great family, golden shackles are tied to her. As if she enters the world to be a caring sister, loving daughter, all rounder wife, wonderful daughter-in-law, fix-it-all mother and so on.
What about her dreams? her aspirations? her thoughts?
4) Giving No Choice
Taking a break from grinding corporate life is a different thing but in most parts of India, we do not give choices like ' not to marry', 'not to be a mother'. The day you (girls) are born , your parents have planned everything for you because it is good for you. Seriously, then 100% women must be happy, right?
One working woman goes through a divorce for some reason, her examples are cited to scare everyone but there are many many women at home living with tears , trying their best to make everything right in those 1-2 hrs of interaction with husband and kids end of the day may not be enough.
5) Glorifying Motherhood
Yes. Women == Mother in our culture. I am sorry but we guys are not portrayed as Fathers everywhere. We can be many other things. But for girls, after they are married and have kids, their all identities are absorbed into motherhood.
It works because it is very convenient for the rest. The husband can come back home at 10 pm , pat his 3 month old son and watch cricket, no problems!!! And of course, we mention everywhere we reached here and there because of our mothers. Without her sacrifice, we have never reached where we are now.
My question to you : if we love our mothers so much, why does she have to sacrifice in the first place?
And how come, everybody is entitled to decide for a mother what is good for her kids?
6) Dependency
May be we would have got 10 marks less in math, had few more feverish weeks but she does not have to depend on us to make life happening. She does not need to wait for our updates. She may had her own work friends, her own hobbies and her own engagements if she was not a housewife.
Being a housewife creates three types of dependency - financial, emotional and success. One needs to taste success only through the promotions of their husbands and trophies of sons/daughters. Who likes 2nd-hand success?
Also, without engagement, people starts loosing confidence and slowly becomes dependent which is not good for anyone in the society.
7) Conspiracy
End of the day, I think the concept of housewife and the glorification of motherhood are tactically-thought conspiracies of patriarchal society. Even I find many women explaining why it is important or so without knowing the level of brainwash happened in their childhood.
8) Men vs Women
In the end, a society where we can not replace men in the role of women and vice versa, is not a stable one. If kids are being taken cared of, let the women work and let the men stay at home. If it is so rewarding to be the caregiver at home, men should get their share of rewards too, right? Children are brought to the world by both and the burden should be carried by both too.
9) Exploitation
Strong word right? When it comes to someone you love and care for. But we have been doing this for ages in the name of family. When 50% of society are not given chances to follow their passion, we are not in our full potential as a society to solve worlds problems.
Nobody needs the house to be cleaned every day, nobody needs the favorite dishes in your dinner table, nobody needs a mother who will give her life for betterment of yours in an infinite loop, what we need is happy sisters, happy mothers, happy daughters who are not brainwashed or held back.
10) Suffocation
Lets not suffocate women in the society in the name of culture, family values and exploit their emotional beings. Set them Free.
That is ALL.
Next blog will be about survival strategies of working women in this world because society wont realize problems overnight. It is not a Hindi movie where the villain suddenly realizes all the fault and takes a 180 degree turn in the climax.
I have tried to explain these things personally to multiple women. But I think that motherhood and taking care of the family, like you mentioned have been so glorified and inflated that it becomes really difficult to think beyond it. Another thing is about going out of one's comfort zone. A newly wed daughter-in-law might think, "why bother to kick up a row about my job or career? Why not just let sleeping dogs lie." So they sit back and let the in-laws doll them up in pretty clothes and expensive jewelry and call it "enjoying life". Some others are plain lazy. They don't want to work. Doesn't it require much more effort to manage both home and work? It's much easy to say I care more about my family and give up working. The thing will truly change when girls are raised to believe that they can actually pursue their dreams and build careers instead of just having a job to support the spouse.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely right !!! It's not only their children that women are supposed to take care of but also their husbands, grown men who should have learnt how to survive on their own. When a daughter-in-law goes on an official trip, the 1st thought that comes to a mother-in-law's mind & sometimes, even lips, is "What will my son eat?" How pathetic is that ? And then there are these working women who give up their jobs to rear children ...well, good for the...who judge working mothers saying, "How can they leave their kids at daycares?" It's true, women are their own worst enemies. Recently, when I told a working mother, "Well, I love my son but I need a life of my own too." , she said, "Thank God you said that. Most of the time we are made to feel so guilty." And sometimes it's not by our immediate family but by people who are not even related to us or our families !!!
ReplyDeleteHehe... I had a discussion like this with a non-working mom who I am sorry to say is extremely stupid as well. She said, "everyone can work by putting their two month old babies in day cares". It is so downright rude! Another thing I hate is some girls have the dream of becoming house-wifes. How is that even possible? If we say "it is her choice", how come we never let a boy have a choice to be a non-working member of the family?
ReplyDelete