Asha Diary - 1 - Asha Darshan Schools

It was my first visit to North East. I have never heard of Rangiya (few stations away from Guwahati). My expectation was simple- to spend 2-3 days in some schools supported by Asha for Education, Silicon Valley chapter. It is my 25th or so Asha visit, did not expect much difference. However, I ended up spending 8 days in Tamulpur village near Rangiya and felt quite refreshed before heading to Tawang, Arunachal.

This area is quite close to the Bhutan border. I could easily enter Bhutan by foot and many locals fill up their tank in Bhutan. The demonetization happened the day I reached Rangiya. I spent 5 days in different schools playing academic games, trying to figure out ways to improve the quality of education. It was very lively interaction to say the least. Some villages have more Bengalis than Assamese. Some villages have mostly adibasi population. Some villages have mostly Boro whereas few villages in the Bhutan border have mixed population. There is one thing common - they all dance very well!!

Now what are the challenges in running school here 

a) Different languages people speak

b) Decades of conflict have caused a lot of issues in the infrastructure. Govt schools were not there in multiple villages. 

c) Violence among different groups were not uncommon few years back. Now things are apparently quite peaceful.

d) Elephants come down from the mountains almost every day. They ruin the vegetable and paddy field in some villages.  So "bhago" is the word after 4 pm every day.

Put your children in these settings and imagine how they will concentrate on studies where electricity is scarce and elephants keep making a mess.

                                                                Scenic villages of Assam

But the landscape is very beautiful coveted with tea gardens, mustard fields and paddy fields. It was quite fun to interact with kids in these settings. After spending time in all schools, I could also spend one day teaching Class 7 and 8 kids. But my best experience was the dance experience with the kids. 

Another thing I noticed in these schools is the bonding between the teachers and kids. I think the learning becomes perfect when you can explain your problems freely to your teacher. 
 

There was a dance drama named " Mukti" during the events. I felt only education can create a nice path to forget all the conflicts, make the infrastructure better and make this new generation free from social and politics-driven chains.
 

They also spread the message of peace among different cultures and religions.

I could attend the children's day event and be a judge for the dances and vocals. At the same time, I had more chances to dance in the tunes of "O Seni Mai". 

Apart from all the judging, posing, dancing ---- I taught a bit too. This is the proof :-)

Asha Darshan runs schools mostly in Assamese and Boro medium. The Boro medium students do not have much option of higher studies in mother tongue so they have to learn English and Hindi fast. Ditto with the Adibasi school in Sonmani (it is amazing how they have the same script as the adibasi in Ayodhya hills). There is no computer education anywhere. Glad to see teachers being trained to use computer. Next will be the kids :-)

While I look back at these selfies, I feel the positive energy created by Asha Darshan among these kids. Not only kids from different languages, different cultures are dancing in the same stage changing the history of conflicts and differences, they are creating a better world every moment they smile.

More details about this project, click here. 

The Life After.....

The context is simple. Even if it is common in Western world, taking a gap year seems like a distant dream for most people in India. I am only talking about the well educated and well to-do section only, even though you do not need a lot of money to travel properly in India. Anyway, since I have quit my job and started a simple journey only 3.5 months back, it is good to write some thoughts down.

My Primary Agenda - To be relatively free and do things I love to do. That includes two things - Travel (mostly mountains and trekking) and Non-profit work (via Asha for Education, being involved for last 10 yrs - I have a pretty good platform). This small list can be quite different for others. So taking a break, does not mean travel for everyone. It can be a time to nurture other passions, lost hobbies or anything that can refresh your core.

First step - Explaining your near and dear ones. I have realized and explained the main reason - TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I AM BORN TO DO RATHER THAN WHAT I AM TRAINED TO DO. What that means, I am trained to be an engineer, trained to do practical things, trained to plan finances, trained to drive, trained to plan travel and entertainment. But probably I am born to do much more than that. So, unless you pause from your regular life full of comfort zones, how are you going to figure out your more adventurous/dreamy self and your potential beyond comfort zones?

The first week - Yes, I have worked for a stretch of 13 years without any lapses of employment. So after 650+ weeks of employment, when I quit, the first week without pay will be different. But mostly, it feels like a holiday. Thankfully, I did not miss my work. I was initially missing the lack of agenda in a day which I slowly started loving in the weeks that followed.

The first  three months - Now that I am free from all the constraints of leaves and deadlines, I started giving more meaning to my time. I started thinking what I really love to do. I started feeling home in the middle of mountains, in villages at altitude of 14000 ft, while cutting grass with villagers, while trekking with a GPS --- literally any place where people have time to listen to you, you are not judged by your qualifications/salary and you can express yourself better.
I am meeting new people every day, some of them leaving a mark, some of them disappearing in my passive memory zone. I have started more spontaneous travel as well. Bathing in the beauty of mountains became a habit....I started doing things that I used to consider impractical at one point of time. I listen to others more, I keep an open mind to let more rays to enter & probably I am tapping the better part of my self, more than before. 

" May be the journey isn't so much about becoming anything. May be it's about unbecoming everything that isn't you so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place." - Unknown

Months back in a Whatsapp forwarding, I read this quote that perfectly explains why I started the journey and I realized it even more after a few weeks on the road. I am not just an engineer, I am not just a holder of list of degrees and bank accounts, I am not just that name everyone calls me, I am not the resume, I am not just the person who needs to be predictable so that everyone can give me stamp of a good citizen, a good son, a good friend and a good engineer. I personally think if I can be the best that I can be , I can fit in all those roles with new vigor and energy. 

I think the smiles I bring in peoples' faces when I meet them and the peaceful feeling that comes to my mind and soul in the midst of nature, defines me more than anything else.

I am probably not trained but born to dance  next to a 15000 ft Lake in Ladakh ( Tso Moriri).

If you are in rush, you can stop here...Otherwise, go on!!

To answer a few questions I have been hearing numerous times and sometimes I ask myself as well -

Is there any risk involved to break the monotony of life ?
When you are driving in a highway, and you make a stop at a rest area, what is the reason for that? Without stops, your driving will be worse and you can meet accidents. It works like a refresher. Now lets say, you love the rest area more than the highway, do you want to spend more time. Probably yes, when you are not in a hurry!.. For me it is just the opposite. I was in a rest area, and started driving in the highways :-)

Is travel the only way to refresh your energy? 
Absolutely not. For me travel and non profit work revitalize me. For someone it can be spending more time with family or following a long lost hobby (writing, photography, painting....). I can only stress the need of rethinking your life after a point of time.

Is it the right time?
No time is right time. But having a little bit of buffer money in bank helps! However, you need to break the chains of insecurity, otherwise no money is enough as buffer money. Some people may want to pursue a gap year after working for 2 yrs, some 20 yrs. But we need to invest on our wishes and consider that gap not a loss of your salary rather a gain in terms of experiences. A refreshed mind can work better, so it may be good for your career too.

Am I making a statement?
Definitely not. I try not to be the person who claims whatever he is doing is the right thing for everyone. I am trying to do justice to myself.
Being the manager of my heart, mind and soul, I need to make all three happy. Sometimes I follow the practical part of my mind, sometimes the dreamy part... sometimes I want to be somewhere that touches my soul, sometimes I listen to the words that touches my heart. I can only tell others to listen to every words inside you and do not suppress them giving practical reasons.

How can I sustain these?
Seriously, how can one sustain working in a boring place for 8-10 hrs a day without loving work, that I do not understand!! A bored engineer has more sustenance problem than a happy traveler :-)
I am not telling that I will keep doing this till eternity. Life is lived in moments, not in years. If I gather enough moments that I feel satisfied , I will be the old practical self again. Or may be I will be a different person at the end of this journey.. a person who will follow his heart and invest his energy in something he truly believes in.
I want to be the child again who wants to play all day defying his parents because he loves to play. May be when I play enough, I will come home and study books for a reason, not as a burden or compulsion.

Do I miss practical working days?
I only miss my friends and occasionally, the technical side of me. But I was never too technical in nature and tried to kept a simple identity outside workplace. Work was anyway my 2nd priority last 5-6 yrs. I think most people who lost their passion in their work, wont miss their work. If people comment about what I am doing with my education and training, I reply them that giving 13 yrs in the same field should have done enough justice to that.

Do I listen to comments and advice from people? What is my take on the suggestions?

In a country of ultra intrusive people, the only way to survive is to take comments in a sportive fashion. I hear comments from everyone - ranging from "you are doing injustice to your parents " to " I wish to live your life". I silently listen to these comments from all sections of society and smile. Trust me I even got comments from the person selling newspapers in Varanasi station to completely random strangers. Everyone has a theory in life and I do not mind hearing it.  In a society where your designation defines you, I want to see how people reacts to a traveler. It is funny how almost everyone thinks marriage and starting a family is like a goal for a bachelor and recipe of happiness. My observations among married people give a different story but still those suggestions will keep pouring. Thankfully my parents are not among those :P

So in simple words - I hear you. I respect your viewpoint but no! thank you! (Specially when you are giving strong comments that I should go back to the regular practical life soon)

Most people forget that we have different journeys to complete and we have different shoes to fit in, as well. I have always nurtured the second thoughts and believe that everyone has the right to follow ones heart. The same things do not bring happiness to everyone. Like many people consider travel a hassle, I consider happy secured life a hassle too!! That is the beauty of life and us. We are complicated beings with different wiring inside us.
If you want to have a wonderful life with family and kids, give yourself 100 pct on that. If you do not want to do that, do not get deviated by what others are doing. The herd mentality can not be good for anyone. I have one life and it is better to do things what I really want to do. I do not want to make a mess trying to reach everywhere at the same time or do everything that makes others happy.
I only want my kind of happiness not others'. That self analysis everyone needs to do at one point and I have done for myself long back! It may change over time and I am aware of that. But I do not want to loose the blissful moments of my kind in search of the ones that are definitely not mine.

I definitely do not look unhappy amidst mountains :-)

Please do not get me wrong. I am pro-family, pro-love, pro-travel and above all, pro-freedom. I love the beautiful affectionate smile, I see in my friends' faces when they look at their children and I can understand the bonding of heart in a family but I do not long for the exact same happiness right now. I am destined for a different smile  and a different bonding. As long as we understand each other, there won't be any confusion. That mutual respect needs to be there in every strata of society in India, specially while raising children. I strongly believe that the next generation should be given more chance to exploit what they are born to do.

What am I learning?

Actually I am learning life's lessons in most remote places. I learned the meaning of happiness when I saw a family in Demul village happily cooking alu gobhi (a luxury dish in that altitude) for dinner after spending full day in mountains collecting dried dung and finding visitors (without any prior notice) in the evening. I find the meaning of perseverance when I saw a German guy travelling from Ladakh to Spiti Valley on his own, trekking without any support. I feel the passion of travelling whenever I see a foreigner spending 6-12 months in India in shoestring budget. I thank every hot meal and soup after a long days of walk. I spent days filled with beauty with no concrete around where less is more. Those days taught me what I really need to be happy.

What next?

That is the beauty of freedom. I only plan for next week and few things I want to do over the coming months. Rest is decided over time. In the past, I have been to a place and depending on some suggestions from people I met there, I decided my next place. Overall I am in love with Himalayas, so that comes to my mind by default and gets included in travel plans.

Apart from travel, I truly believe in education, women empowerment and imparting employ-ability in the unfortunate classes of society. So I will spend more time with non profits I know and have been part of. It was in my wish list for a long time and I want to fulfill my wishes now.

I can jump high where ever I am :-) 

( First picture in Nubra Valley, Ladakh & second picture while visiting an Asha school in Naugarh area, UP)

PS: Why do I write such long blogs?

I either talk a lot or I keep my mouth shut. So I write less blogs but loooooong blogs...Can't help it :P

Picture Courtesy: As always, all pics without me, are taken by me and pics with me, taken by my friends in that journey.

Decision Making - After Two Years in India - p2

My personal Recommendations based on experiences, How to determine the Move (Part 2 )

This second part is with a personal touch and recommendation. Please take the recommendations with your own judgement because it may be biased.

To get more balanced overview, refer to the part 1 :-)

Who should Move/Come Back to India?

You do not need any reason to come back to your motherland,but if you are still confused :P

1. If you remember your motherland and the elements of its culture/festivals everyday and feeling out of place. Just sitting there and saying I am not happy, wont solve anything > COME BACK.
2. If you are not able to do justice to your expertise and skill-set for Visa or other issues, come back to your country. This is specifically true for Doctors not able to get into US medical system as well as  non-work Visa holders who left their jobs for their hubby/wife and not getting one. 
3. If you are unemployed in US, loneliness will eat you up and can change your personality completely. You may find much better career opportunities in India and do better justice to yourself.
4. If you are not insecure, do not consider US to India move a one-way street, want to try it out for few years, DEFINITELY come!!
5. If you are living in a neighborhood where you can not go out in the evening for safety issues, your kids do not have any freedom or they are actually getting spoilt beyond your control. You can manager them better in your own country.
6. You are missing your parents and family every day, feeling guilty not being able to do your part  as a son/daughter or in case, the situation can not be managed from long distance> Please visit often or come back to spend time with a back up option to go back any time depending on your Bandwidth. That is a good option for not having regrets later ON.
7. You have many startup ideas to solve problems in India and can not do it from there, come back. With a scale of 1.2 Billion people, we need people with implementable ideas.
8. You have achieved the goals set by you for your visit to US (and/or have a Green Card) and do not have any constraints from your kids side (i.e. they either in college or you do not have kids), come back!!
9. You want to serve people of India and no matter how much you try, you can not be close to the people in a Foreign country
10. You believe only your motherland can unleash your potential.... then what are you waiting for, a sign!!???? (consider this as sign)

For me, it a mix of (1), (4), (6) & (10)

Over time our priorities change and the things that drive us to settle down in US may not hold true after 5 years. Career, money, success, family or rediscovering own self may have their share of priorities in our lives. 

Who may or may not come back?

1. You have changed over time  during your stay in USA and you know for sure, you cant not adjust in India right-away. Then the move will be tough for you.
2. If you come back to India, you would try to recreate your US life, in India. (It is a very bad trend, not doing good to anyone; you will become " na ghar ka na ghat ka")
3. You may get a good boost in your career if you come back to India. You may consider coming back as your knowledge may attract more value.  Usually US experience is well valued in India, 
4. You do not care so much where you are as long as you are surrounded by people who care for you. 
5. You are lazy in nature and want to make yourself happy with less work and daily struggles. (prioritize because if you have extra money you can find help for every single task in India and live lazier life.)

Who should not come back?

1. (for women) You know you will loose your freedom to work once you land in India,your in-laws will restrict your lives and you & your husband can not change that situation.
2. You are a global citizen, you are doing your part for US and for your motherland (as much as possible), living in US does not bother you, then you stay in USA if it gets the best out of you.
3. You badmouth every day about India among your friends. Please do not bring your negativity to India as you will do more harm than good.
4. You career is the first priority to you. Your technical field does not have any presence in India and you are not ready to make any compromise.
5. You live in one of the great cities in USA and your are well settled with your activities, interest, work and family. You should not come if there is no major personal reason for it.
6. You are happy with your involvement from a distance and all the willingness may disappear once you land in one of the polluted traffic-crazy cities
7. Your kids are used to US lifestyle and you do not want change their future for any reason. You just want the best for your kids.  (US has some of the best universities in the world)
8. You wont do any specific beyond your regular daily jobs > there is nothing special you can do in India then. If US life is easier , you must stick to it.
9. You will always consider the Indian lifestyle as a second grade life style and would miss your US daily chores
10. You will make a protective bubble for you and your kids in India, wont interact with people below your social stature. I think in that case, you should  not come back unless compelled by job loss or some other personal reason.

To Facilitate Your Decision Making Process

• Do not change yourself too much. Stay flexible. Do not develop fake accents or change your thinking process altogether. Learn the good and reject the bad. 
• When in India, try to go beyond the dinner invitations. Expose yourself to the changing culture of India. The things you may be missing in USA, you may not get in India either. India has changed a lot in last 10 years specially in metros. Your childhood memories may never be recreated!!
• Understand  that India is actually a human ocean. Very few countries in the world has such variations from human perspectives. If that fascinates you, India may be the right place for you. Take some extra holidays and travel around India, to understand the unity in diversity.
• Never forget your roots. You represent your motherland wherever you are. Just attending dassera programs wont help you connect to Indian culture. The things you were passionate about in India, do not let those passions die wherever you are.
• Keep yourself updated about the changes happening in India. Help India to transform itself to a better country whether through friends' efforts or through non-profits.

End of the day, you are who are you and you should be somewhere you can be the "best you" whether it is US or India or any other part of world. Everything else will fall in place, trust me. 

You can analyze all you want .....

<This post is now getting too long. In my next post I will discuss my personal list of survival Strategies in India if you finally bite the bullet to move back from US to India :-) >

Photo Courtesy: First one by Prabir Saha with Atlantic Ocean (2006) : Second one by Ankit Kumar in Andamans (2014)

Perspectives - After Two Years in India -p1

I lived all my childhood and got my B.Tech in India but most of my twenties are spent in US. After 10 years in USA, I came back to India in April 2013 (there is no specific reason for coming back and who needs one to come back to mother land anyway!!). I got used to the lifestyle and I went back for seven weeks in March 2015. The full loop of observation and expectations forced me to write down this post in two parts. Sorry for the length but given many of my friends are either planning to move to USA or planning to move back, I think it is important to document individual experiences.

Please note, my experience is mostly based on the cities I lived (and some observations through friend circle) - Atlanta, Burlington, Irvine (USA) & Bangalore, Kolkata (India).

The Comparison :

I think we decide on our city of work/residence based on these components below, lets compare them first.

(1) Family (read Parents):

Of course, we know we will be closer to our parents in India and we will be surrounded by our relatives.

Whereas , living in USA can give regrets in family front if you can not visit India in the times of their need or your parents are not fit enough to come to USA and stay over. 

However, direct family members and your definition of their well-being is dependent on the factors below. Sometimes, the theory of being a good provider may mean to take them away from the country seeking for better opportunities. Most families living in USA have to live with that conflict in their mind and when given a choice, we are bound to choose well-being of our next generation.

(2) Scope of Work and Education for Kids:

Scope of high-tech work and cutting edge research in MNCs or universities is less in India as we all know. However, some fields that cater to masses are already booming or have the potential to grow a lot in India. 

There are many jobs apart from Engineers like Doctors, Teachers & I think if you are in such fields, you may get more satisfaction in India. 

As far as education of kids are concerned, there are many institution of international standards but competition is a big bottleneck for a country of 1.3 Billion. Also, graduate research scope is still an issue due to the big gaps between industry and academics in India. Alternative scopes like Art and others are still limited compared to western countries.

(3) Daily Struggles (Transport, convenience etc):

It clearly depends where you live in USA or India. For big cities, traffic is a big struggle everywhere. However, the problem with Indian economy is that there are not many jobs in smaller cities where you can skip traffic. So whether it is Delhi, Mumbai or Bangalore, you have to face the traffic to an extent it may take all your daily energy in those 2-3 hours of commute. (Kolkata, Hyd and Chennai are a little less notorious in terms of traffic) 

But one thing to note - you can outsource every non-tech work to someone in India without loosing all your money - there are house-helps, there are drivers & there are courier guys. In Todays E-commerce sites, everything from grocery, electronics, clothes to diapers can be delivered at your doorstep thanks to BigBasket, Flipkart or Amazon.

Internet data and google maps are everywhere, so you will be able to reach your destination booking a cab using GPS and check the ratings in zomato before entering a restaurant!!

(4) Activities in the Weekend:

Again, you can live an active life style in new-age cities of India be it running, cycling, trekking, potluck or rock-show. It may get a little more hectic in India sometimes if you plan like USA. But if you plan early, you can have an enjoyable weekend. 

I am spoilt by the weather of Bangalore, so no idea how Delhites manage but again, if you ask a Seattle resident, a Texas resident and an upstate NY resident, their activities are also very much dependent on weather. An exception can be California residents who enjoy nice weather all throughout the year and so far, I lived my most active lifestyle during my 3 yrs in CA.

After I came to India, I did not stop travelling either, specially with Bus, trains and other ways to travel, it is less hectic for me sometimes (compared to USA). Natural beauty is abundant in India too. 

(5) Quality and Value of Life:

This is something I want to focus more on. There is a big difference between USA and India in terms of Quality of life or the willingness to acknowledge the value of life in General. 

Many NRIs come back and try to recreate mini USAs in their apartment complexes but that do not change India. The competition drives the concept of quality and value of life out of the mind for most people. It becomes a rat race from office, to the roads, to the education of your children or going to the front end of the line in a ticket booth. 

Being a country of less population, better infrastructure and overall consciousness about the value of life, USA does not suffer from it that much. Hope, this changes as more people are educated in India, there are more job opportunities, better civic sense and better culture of self-respect and self-value. We are still a crisis-driven country of insecure citizens, a country that  heavily depends on role-models and politics. 

Also, the respect for natural resources is a primary concern in India where trees are cut without any thoughts, parks are turned into apartments without any consequence and over time, that will endanger the whole ecosystem. 

< I have not compared the costs. Since it is similar in USA and India.  Main cost is real estate. House prices are pretty variant everywhere in the world, so that should not come in comparison so much- specially for the people reading this post>

Love & Hate Relationships

Five things I loved the most in USA  that are missing in India:

National park and state park system preserving nature that is beautiful and accessible

Vast expanse of Freeways (beyond 5-6 expressway between important cities like in India) 

Clean Roads and planned infrastructure

Research Environment in universities (in my experience)

Freedom and the individual rights while living in a society

Five things I love the most in India that were missing in USA:

The feeling at home (since I am born here)

Access to family and friends

Being an Indian, immense confidence while trying something new

The feelings when you can volunteer in NGOs and get immense satisfaction on ground

Numerous connections you make every day with so many people (and the bonds/ripples you make in a personal way in this ocean of humanity)

Five things I hated the most in USA:

Too much formality

The difficulties I faced in initial years (specially as a student with less money since USA is planned for people with money)

Safety issues in many pockets of USA

Too much dependence on cars

Hidden social issues (poverty, racism etc)

Five things I hate the most in India:

The traffic specially the fear of pedestrians/2-wheeler jumping in front of your car
The feelings of helplessness when I see educated people throwing garbage on streets
The missing importance of an individual's life in a society
Too much importance on leaders and celebrities
The "chalta hei" attitude leading to habituated in-sensitiveness




Be it USA or India, someone willing to settle, can always find 10 good things to be there and someone who wants to leave, can complain about 10 bad things. 

It is more important to understand what is high priority in your life and the things you miss, are they ok to miss or you should do something about it. 

It is not one-way street, still an important decision in your life if you have kids. I will try to focus more on my personal viewpoints on who should come and who may not in my next post. Also, I can share some secrets I learnt in my two years.

Working Women, Please Do Not Quit ! - the Story

Time to delve into one of the most talked topic in Today's times and something I can spend hours discussing if a friend of mine is planning to quit....This is the first Chapter.

Disclaimer: I am just a humanist who believes in equal opportunity for all and right to happiness for all. In the true meaning of the word, I am a feminist as well then. I have delved into the women empowerment topic before . Read through this!!


The Story of Indian Women

I am considering only women in India and that too, from educated families in cities. For my non profit connections, I am well aware about the situations in villages but that is much more serious problem to analyze and solve. I have stayed in USA for a long time and there, at least, men and women work side by side and not working is something people are forced into due to layoffs, not by family pressure. Such decisions are not forced into someone as there is a little more sense of freedom/privacy in ones life and less intrusion by the family members specially when there is no meddling requirements.

So, here we are - a society where we educate our daughters, become over protective about them when they become teenagers, track them when they go to colleges for safety, pressurize them for marriage when they reach 22-25 and manipulate them to quit their jobs. In some cases, brainwash them so much in their childhood that they will always consider the greater good of family above their own. They wont feel regret till the moment comes when their kids tell them 'who told you to be a housewife'!!!

If there are some statistics, I can bet this is the story of more than 50% working women in 2000-2010 in India. Things are improving a bit in mega cities not because of sudden change in social structures but for mostly financial reasons.

Now what is wrong with this story!!! 

Let me pour out my humble opinion (I am not very Sanaskari by nature, traveled a lot so a bit open-minded and thankfully I was not brainwashed with the patriarchal lessons in my childhood ):

1) Manipulation

" your mother-in-law is not feeling well, she needs your care!"
" your son needs you now!"
"your husband is going through a tough phase, supporting home front is very crucial. you are the Lakshmi of our home. You need to do the right thing!"
"It is so competitive out there, you need to be there at home when your kids come home to give them extra support"

The stories of manipulation in the name of family are endless. We hear them daily and without knowing, we started saying them as well. It is easy, right? Give some extra respect, compare them with Lakshmi/Saraswati etc and take away their career, manipulating their emotional being. Feels like a win-win situation!!

Emotions are not for sacrifices, emotions are to strengthen ones mind so that there is no need for sacrifices.  

2) Hypocrisy

When the EMI hits the roof, no problem when they both work. When things are financially stable, suddenly the need at the home front becomes very crucial. Also, you become very progressive when it comes to someone else s daughter but your own daughter or daughter-in-law is different, right!!

"Whenever it comes to values, a good women is the one who will right all the wrongs in family, who will take care of the breakfast-lunch-dinner, keep everything in order, take care of the man of the house and the kids. Because that is how family works, right? " - SERIOUSLY? And we talk about women empowerment and become extremely vocal when there are gender-based discriminations.

3) Shackles

The day a girl child is born in a great family, golden shackles are tied to her. As if she enters the world to be a caring sister, loving daughter, all rounder wife, wonderful daughter-in-law, fix-it-all mother and so on.

What about her dreams? her aspirations? her thoughts?

4) Giving No Choice

Taking a break from grinding corporate life is a different thing but in most parts of India, we do not give choices like ' not to marry', 'not to be a mother'. The day you (girls) are born , your parents have planned everything for you because it is good for you. Seriously, then 100% women must be happy, right?

One working woman goes through a divorce for some reason, her examples are cited to scare everyone but there are many many women at home living with tears , trying their best to make everything right in those 1-2 hrs of interaction with husband and kids end of the day may not be enough.

5) Glorifying Motherhood

Yes. Women == Mother in our culture. I am sorry but we guys are not portrayed as Fathers everywhere. We can be many other things. But for girls, after they are married and have kids, their all identities are absorbed into motherhood.

It works because it is very convenient for the rest. The husband can come back home at 10 pm , pat his 3 month old son and watch cricket, no problems!!! And of course, we mention everywhere we reached here and there because of our mothers. Without her sacrifice, we have never reached where we are now.

My question to you : if we love our mothers so much, why does she have to sacrifice in the first place? 

And how come, everybody is entitled to decide for a mother what is good for her kids?

6) Dependency

May be we would have got 10 marks less in math, had few more feverish weeks but she does not have to depend on us to make life happening. She does not need to wait for our updates. She may had her own work friends, her own hobbies and her own engagements if she was not a housewife.

Being a housewife creates three types of dependency - financial, emotional and success. One needs to taste success only through the promotions of their husbands and trophies of sons/daughters. Who likes 2nd-hand success?

Also, without engagement, people starts loosing confidence and slowly becomes dependent which is not good for anyone in the society.

7) Conspiracy

End of the day, I think the concept of housewife and the glorification of motherhood are tactically-thought conspiracies of patriarchal society. Even I find many women explaining why it is important or so without knowing the level of brainwash happened in their childhood.

8) Men vs Women

In the end, a society where we can not replace men in the role of women and vice versa, is not a stable one. If kids are being taken cared of, let the women work and let the men stay at home. If it is so rewarding to be the caregiver at home, men should get their share of rewards too, right? Children are brought to the world by both and the burden should be carried by both too.

9) Exploitation

Strong word right? When it comes to someone you love and care for. But we have been doing this for ages in the name of family. When 50% of society are not given chances to follow their passion, we are not in our full potential as a society to solve worlds problems.

Nobody needs the house to be cleaned every day, nobody needs the favorite dishes in your dinner table, nobody needs a mother who will give her life for betterment of yours in an infinite loop, what we need is happy sisters, happy mothers, happy daughters who are not brainwashed or held back. 

10) Suffocation

Lets not suffocate women in the society in the name of culture, family values and exploit their emotional beings. Set them Free.

That is ALL.


Next blog will be about survival strategies of working women in this world because society wont realize problems overnight. It is not a Hindi movie where the villain suddenly realizes all the fault and takes a 180 degree turn in the climax. 

Spare the Rod & Spare the Child

Writing this blog on Nov 14th, the day celebrated as Happy Childrens Day because it is important to give children their dues. Just taking pics and posting their pics as proud parents or uncles or aunts are not enough.

Disclaimer: I am not a child psychologist, I am not a physical parent of kids neither I claim to be the one expert w.r.t matters of children. But I have many friends in the age group 0-18, I think about the betterment of their lives & I do respect them like I do to anyone of my age or elder.

There is an old saying "Spare the Rod & Spoil the Child". I so detest that line and the concept, hence this heading. Bear with me for next few paragraphs while I pour my heart out.

#1: Do Not Bring Them to The World, When You Have No Time to Love 

Yes. It is important no matter what your parents think, no matter if your grandparents are in death bed or you are getting too old to reproduce. Not money, not your maturity, not your social status, a child needs love more than anything. Yes, you should be able to give her/him the basic necessities of life. When you are extremely busy with your life, trying to make a marriage work somehow, a child is not your answer to that. If you want to care for kids voluntarily and love part time, we have 10-15 crores children in India who are underprivileged and your little bit of time, energy, care will bring cheer in their lives. Give it a thought.

Bottom-line : Being a parent is one of the most wonderful things in this otherwise ordinary life but resist the temptation till you have time to love and to give some stability to the life of someone you are about to introduce to the world.

#2: Never Ever Use Them To Push Your Decisions

I believe the most common example is to use the issues of well being of a child to ruin a woman's career. It is unethical to use children as a reason for that rather the husband, the family and the society should create easier ways to make sure the mother does not have to quit her job, the grandmother does not have to stress herself to bring up the child and the child gets a good share of everyone's time. Be smart in planning that out.

Bottom-line: If a mother quits a job for her child or stays in a failed marriage, one day that child will come back and tell her that it was a wrong decision. Sacrifice is not a way of life it is rather a short cut sometimes. 

#3: Never Abuse Them in the Name of Controlling Them

Yes. Your son became hyper and started running towards Grand Canyon, to save him, you went overboard..... understood. But at your home, at friend's party, at the teaching desk, if you are comfortable with hitting your child, I am really sorry to say but it is CHILD ABUSE and you are a CHILD-ABUSING PARENT. Just because parents bring their child to the world, they do not get a free pass to hit them. Do not dump your frustration from failures and inefficiencies onto them.

There are different ways of child management and if you are incompetent enough to control them without hitting them, take a course of child management then. It is beyond unfair when you bring a guest home and then beat her/him in the name of imparting principles on to them. 

Bottom-Line : Learn to communicate without Violence. Do not  ever teach them violence as the way of controlling someone from such tender age. Driven by old habits, if you ever touch them in a negative fashion, apologize to your kid immediately and promise to yourself not to do this ever again. 

#4: Respect Them

Yes. You heard it right. Just because they are so young do not take their existence for granted. Love them, Teach them, Take care of them but beyond that, Respect them. They are blessings to your lives and their minds hold keys to the magic boxes of future to make things better.

Treat them like you treat any grown ups. If you think a bit more, we are actually all immature and clueless about the vast knowledge and immeasurable forces that guide the world. So we are actually on the same page.

Do not blackmail them, explain them with logic. No false promises, maintain the same principles you follow with any adults.

Bottom-Line: Kids have the power to make us smile, to hope for a better world and to find a good reason to live in the darkest moments of our lives. Respect them for that.

#5:  Befriend Them

This is my ultimate suggestion that may help any parent to connect when they reach adolescence. Understand that being a mother or a father just represent few bonds you share with your daughter or son. They are many more bonds you can nurture by the friendship. When they grow up and reach 7-8 yrs of age, they need a friend more than a protective mother or father.

Grow as a person with them. Follow the same principles in life that you wish to see in them. Be the friend, philosopher and guide when they need, learn to accept it when they become totally independent & LEARN from them too. 

Bottom-Line: Kids are sometimes our best friends. They give you a pure perspective of life and no matter how much your ignore that, you need that kind of friendship to live a better life. 

Happy Children's Day & Three Cheers for the Child in Us.

Best moments of my lives are given by the children around me with their smiles and by the children who are away by distance but they are close to my heart and their eyes are my motivation to do something beyond I can easily do. Want to add this picture just to remember some of those smiling faces :P

Why Do I run for Asha?

For you all who know me for some time, is aware of my attachment to "Asha for Education" for last 8+ years. It has been a memorable time with like-minded friends, fun events, lots of coordination, wonderful memories during project visits and above all, I believe my thought process has changed quite a bit in these years.

I was never the athletic type since childhood nor bitten by adventure bugs...It is true I want to go as close to possible to nature and like to travel but never thought I can run 21K or so!! Still today I am a very moody runner so do not take notes of my running schedule. One day I feel like running one day I feel like dragging one day I am full with spirits next day I am sleep walking. But the thing that helped me run with a good reason in mind is Team Asha.

Team Asha

I started manning waterstops for Team Asha Atlanta in 2007 and started running in 2008. You will be surprised to know before I ran any official 5K race, I ran an official 21K race (half marathon) in Atlanta Marathon 2008. It was such a memorable time with a good mix of new and old runners and a wonderful coach. We struggled with the distances but in the end, had a strong finish. This picture is the proof :-)

I kept running and fund-raise for Asha in 2009 and 2010 for ING Marathon Atlanta but taken cared of more coordination part. When I moved to Irvine, I used to miss our Team Asha runs quite a bit. 

After a short struggle with PFPS, I started running again this march and thanks to our great training group "Runners High" in Bangalore, become fit enough to run two half marathons in last six months and plan to finish 25K next Sunday in BANGALORE ULTRA. This time too, fundraising for Asha was one of my greatest motivation to wake up at 5 ams (which is super tough for a night owl like me). 

You can support my efforts at (I am still INR 1 Lakh shy of my goal for Bangalore Ultra)

http://www.ashanet.org/bangalore/marathon/runners/Padmanava_Sen.html

And this is me....Very happy while running

Why Run?

• Because it does not need much planning. Just a pair of shoes, some water/electral and some mental strength to go the distance.
• The team spirit is as good as any other game. We want to make sure everyone in our group finish strong
• Gives me a break from the laptops and I can spend time in nice trails or roads listening to my favorite music
• Increased my perseverance and made me overall more energetic in life 
• being fortunate with some great athletes who has ran 42K, 100K, 24 hr runs, 48 hrs runs etc. (super crazies)
• And the obvious, to raise funds as a group that can provide education and hope to the underprivileged children in Asha projects. 

That is all I want to say. It is good to have a great sleep in weekends, to stay home and watch TV, but it is definitely better to go out in the morning, to run as a group rain or shine, to see things different ways after the 5K, 10K, 15K, 20K marks, to remind how water is important in our lives after a long run, to see 10000 people running together,

Now, check out this photo and start running for yourself or a good cause today :-)