Decision Making - After Two Years in India - p2

My personal Recommendations based on experiences, How to determine the Move (Part 2 )

This second part is with a personal touch and recommendation. Please take the recommendations with your own judgement because it may be biased.

To get more balanced overview, refer to the part 1 :-)

Who should Move/Come Back to India?

You do not need any reason to come back to your motherland,but if you are still confused :P

1. If you remember your motherland and the elements of its culture/festivals everyday and feeling out of place. Just sitting there and saying I am not happy, wont solve anything > COME BACK.
2. If you are not able to do justice to your expertise and skill-set for Visa or other issues, come back to your country. This is specifically true for Doctors not able to get into US medical system as well as  non-work Visa holders who left their jobs for their hubby/wife and not getting one. 
3. If you are unemployed in US, loneliness will eat you up and can change your personality completely. You may find much better career opportunities in India and do better justice to yourself.
4. If you are not insecure, do not consider US to India move a one-way street, want to try it out for few years, DEFINITELY come!!
5. If you are living in a neighborhood where you can not go out in the evening for safety issues, your kids do not have any freedom or they are actually getting spoilt beyond your control. You can manager them better in your own country.
6. You are missing your parents and family every day, feeling guilty not being able to do your part  as a son/daughter or in case, the situation can not be managed from long distance> Please visit often or come back to spend time with a back up option to go back any time depending on your Bandwidth. That is a good option for not having regrets later ON.
7. You have many startup ideas to solve problems in India and can not do it from there, come back. With a scale of 1.2 Billion people, we need people with implementable ideas.
8. You have achieved the goals set by you for your visit to US (and/or have a Green Card) and do not have any constraints from your kids side (i.e. they either in college or you do not have kids), come back!!
9. You want to serve people of India and no matter how much you try, you can not be close to the people in a Foreign country
10. You believe only your motherland can unleash your potential.... then what are you waiting for, a sign!!???? (consider this as sign)

For me, it a mix of (1), (4), (6) & (10)

Over time our priorities change and the things that drive us to settle down in US may not hold true after 5 years. Career, money, success, family or rediscovering own self may have their share of priorities in our lives. 

Who may or may not come back?

1. You have changed over time  during your stay in USA and you know for sure, you cant not adjust in India right-away. Then the move will be tough for you.
2. If you come back to India, you would try to recreate your US life, in India. (It is a very bad trend, not doing good to anyone; you will become " na ghar ka na ghat ka")
3. You may get a good boost in your career if you come back to India. You may consider coming back as your knowledge may attract more value.  Usually US experience is well valued in India, 
4. You do not care so much where you are as long as you are surrounded by people who care for you. 
5. You are lazy in nature and want to make yourself happy with less work and daily struggles. (prioritize because if you have extra money you can find help for every single task in India and live lazier life.)

Who should not come back?

1. (for women) You know you will loose your freedom to work once you land in India,your in-laws will restrict your lives and you & your husband can not change that situation.
2. You are a global citizen, you are doing your part for US and for your motherland (as much as possible), living in US does not bother you, then you stay in USA if it gets the best out of you.
3. You badmouth every day about India among your friends. Please do not bring your negativity to India as you will do more harm than good.
4. You career is the first priority to you. Your technical field does not have any presence in India and you are not ready to make any compromise.
5. You live in one of the great cities in USA and your are well settled with your activities, interest, work and family. You should not come if there is no major personal reason for it.
6. You are happy with your involvement from a distance and all the willingness may disappear once you land in one of the polluted traffic-crazy cities
7. Your kids are used to US lifestyle and you do not want change their future for any reason. You just want the best for your kids.  (US has some of the best universities in the world)
8. You wont do any specific beyond your regular daily jobs > there is nothing special you can do in India then. If US life is easier , you must stick to it.
9. You will always consider the Indian lifestyle as a second grade life style and would miss your US daily chores
10. You will make a protective bubble for you and your kids in India, wont interact with people below your social stature. I think in that case, you should  not come back unless compelled by job loss or some other personal reason.

To Facilitate Your Decision Making Process

• Do not change yourself too much. Stay flexible. Do not develop fake accents or change your thinking process altogether. Learn the good and reject the bad. 
• When in India, try to go beyond the dinner invitations. Expose yourself to the changing culture of India. The things you may be missing in USA, you may not get in India either. India has changed a lot in last 10 years specially in metros. Your childhood memories may never be recreated!!
• Understand  that India is actually a human ocean. Very few countries in the world has such variations from human perspectives. If that fascinates you, India may be the right place for you. Take some extra holidays and travel around India, to understand the unity in diversity.
• Never forget your roots. You represent your motherland wherever you are. Just attending dassera programs wont help you connect to Indian culture. The things you were passionate about in India, do not let those passions die wherever you are.
• Keep yourself updated about the changes happening in India. Help India to transform itself to a better country whether through friends' efforts or through non-profits.

End of the day, you are who are you and you should be somewhere you can be the "best you" whether it is US or India or any other part of world. Everything else will fall in place, trust me. 

You can analyze all you want .....

<This post is now getting too long. In my next post I will discuss my personal list of survival Strategies in India if you finally bite the bullet to move back from US to India :-) >

Photo Courtesy: First one by Prabir Saha with Atlantic Ocean (2006) : Second one by Ankit Kumar in Andamans (2014)

Perspectives - After Two Years in India -p1

I lived all my childhood and got my B.Tech in India but most of my twenties are spent in US. After 10 years in USA, I came back to India in April 2013 (there is no specific reason for coming back and who needs one to come back to mother land anyway!!). I got used to the lifestyle and I went back for seven weeks in March 2015. The full loop of observation and expectations forced me to write down this post in two parts. Sorry for the length but given many of my friends are either planning to move to USA or planning to move back, I think it is important to document individual experiences.

Please note, my experience is mostly based on the cities I lived (and some observations through friend circle) - Atlanta, Burlington, Irvine (USA) & Bangalore, Kolkata (India).

The Comparison :

I think we decide on our city of work/residence based on these components below, lets compare them first.

(1) Family (read Parents):

Of course, we know we will be closer to our parents in India and we will be surrounded by our relatives.

Whereas , living in USA can give regrets in family front if you can not visit India in the times of their need or your parents are not fit enough to come to USA and stay over. 

However, direct family members and your definition of their well-being is dependent on the factors below. Sometimes, the theory of being a good provider may mean to take them away from the country seeking for better opportunities. Most families living in USA have to live with that conflict in their mind and when given a choice, we are bound to choose well-being of our next generation.

(2) Scope of Work and Education for Kids:

Scope of high-tech work and cutting edge research in MNCs or universities is less in India as we all know. However, some fields that cater to masses are already booming or have the potential to grow a lot in India. 

There are many jobs apart from Engineers like Doctors, Teachers & I think if you are in such fields, you may get more satisfaction in India. 

As far as education of kids are concerned, there are many institution of international standards but competition is a big bottleneck for a country of 1.3 Billion. Also, graduate research scope is still an issue due to the big gaps between industry and academics in India. Alternative scopes like Art and others are still limited compared to western countries.

(3) Daily Struggles (Transport, convenience etc):

It clearly depends where you live in USA or India. For big cities, traffic is a big struggle everywhere. However, the problem with Indian economy is that there are not many jobs in smaller cities where you can skip traffic. So whether it is Delhi, Mumbai or Bangalore, you have to face the traffic to an extent it may take all your daily energy in those 2-3 hours of commute. (Kolkata, Hyd and Chennai are a little less notorious in terms of traffic) 

But one thing to note - you can outsource every non-tech work to someone in India without loosing all your money - there are house-helps, there are drivers & there are courier guys. In Todays E-commerce sites, everything from grocery, electronics, clothes to diapers can be delivered at your doorstep thanks to BigBasket, Flipkart or Amazon.

Internet data and google maps are everywhere, so you will be able to reach your destination booking a cab using GPS and check the ratings in zomato before entering a restaurant!!

(4) Activities in the Weekend:

Again, you can live an active life style in new-age cities of India be it running, cycling, trekking, potluck or rock-show. It may get a little more hectic in India sometimes if you plan like USA. But if you plan early, you can have an enjoyable weekend. 

I am spoilt by the weather of Bangalore, so no idea how Delhites manage but again, if you ask a Seattle resident, a Texas resident and an upstate NY resident, their activities are also very much dependent on weather. An exception can be California residents who enjoy nice weather all throughout the year and so far, I lived my most active lifestyle during my 3 yrs in CA.

After I came to India, I did not stop travelling either, specially with Bus, trains and other ways to travel, it is less hectic for me sometimes (compared to USA). Natural beauty is abundant in India too. 

(5) Quality and Value of Life:

This is something I want to focus more on. There is a big difference between USA and India in terms of Quality of life or the willingness to acknowledge the value of life in General. 

Many NRIs come back and try to recreate mini USAs in their apartment complexes but that do not change India. The competition drives the concept of quality and value of life out of the mind for most people. It becomes a rat race from office, to the roads, to the education of your children or going to the front end of the line in a ticket booth. 

Being a country of less population, better infrastructure and overall consciousness about the value of life, USA does not suffer from it that much. Hope, this changes as more people are educated in India, there are more job opportunities, better civic sense and better culture of self-respect and self-value. We are still a crisis-driven country of insecure citizens, a country that  heavily depends on role-models and politics. 

Also, the respect for natural resources is a primary concern in India where trees are cut without any thoughts, parks are turned into apartments without any consequence and over time, that will endanger the whole ecosystem. 

< I have not compared the costs. Since it is similar in USA and India.  Main cost is real estate. House prices are pretty variant everywhere in the world, so that should not come in comparison so much- specially for the people reading this post>

Love & Hate Relationships

Five things I loved the most in USA  that are missing in India:

National park and state park system preserving nature that is beautiful and accessible

Vast expanse of Freeways (beyond 5-6 expressway between important cities like in India) 

Clean Roads and planned infrastructure

Research Environment in universities (in my experience)

Freedom and the individual rights while living in a society

Five things I love the most in India that were missing in USA:

The feeling at home (since I am born here)

Access to family and friends

Being an Indian, immense confidence while trying something new

The feelings when you can volunteer in NGOs and get immense satisfaction on ground

Numerous connections you make every day with so many people (and the bonds/ripples you make in a personal way in this ocean of humanity)

Five things I hated the most in USA:

Too much formality

The difficulties I faced in initial years (specially as a student with less money since USA is planned for people with money)

Safety issues in many pockets of USA

Too much dependence on cars

Hidden social issues (poverty, racism etc)

Five things I hate the most in India:

The traffic specially the fear of pedestrians/2-wheeler jumping in front of your car
The feelings of helplessness when I see educated people throwing garbage on streets
The missing importance of an individual's life in a society
Too much importance on leaders and celebrities
The "chalta hei" attitude leading to habituated in-sensitiveness




Be it USA or India, someone willing to settle, can always find 10 good things to be there and someone who wants to leave, can complain about 10 bad things. 

It is more important to understand what is high priority in your life and the things you miss, are they ok to miss or you should do something about it. 

It is not one-way street, still an important decision in your life if you have kids. I will try to focus more on my personal viewpoints on who should come and who may not in my next post. Also, I can share some secrets I learnt in my two years.

Working Women, Please Do Not Quit ! - the Story

Time to delve into one of the most talked topic in Today's times and something I can spend hours discussing if a friend of mine is planning to quit....This is the first Chapter.

Disclaimer: I am just a humanist who believes in equal opportunity for all and right to happiness for all. In the true meaning of the word, I am a feminist as well then. I have delved into the women empowerment topic before . Read through this!!


The Story of Indian Women

I am considering only women in India and that too, from educated families in cities. For my non profit connections, I am well aware about the situations in villages but that is much more serious problem to analyze and solve. I have stayed in USA for a long time and there, at least, men and women work side by side and not working is something people are forced into due to layoffs, not by family pressure. Such decisions are not forced into someone as there is a little more sense of freedom/privacy in ones life and less intrusion by the family members specially when there is no meddling requirements.

So, here we are - a society where we educate our daughters, become over protective about them when they become teenagers, track them when they go to colleges for safety, pressurize them for marriage when they reach 22-25 and manipulate them to quit their jobs. In some cases, brainwash them so much in their childhood that they will always consider the greater good of family above their own. They wont feel regret till the moment comes when their kids tell them 'who told you to be a housewife'!!!

If there are some statistics, I can bet this is the story of more than 50% working women in 2000-2010 in India. Things are improving a bit in mega cities not because of sudden change in social structures but for mostly financial reasons.

Now what is wrong with this story!!! 

Let me pour out my humble opinion (I am not very Sanaskari by nature, traveled a lot so a bit open-minded and thankfully I was not brainwashed with the patriarchal lessons in my childhood ):

1) Manipulation

" your mother-in-law is not feeling well, she needs your care!"
" your son needs you now!"
"your husband is going through a tough phase, supporting home front is very crucial. you are the Lakshmi of our home. You need to do the right thing!"
"It is so competitive out there, you need to be there at home when your kids come home to give them extra support"

The stories of manipulation in the name of family are endless. We hear them daily and without knowing, we started saying them as well. It is easy, right? Give some extra respect, compare them with Lakshmi/Saraswati etc and take away their career, manipulating their emotional being. Feels like a win-win situation!!

Emotions are not for sacrifices, emotions are to strengthen ones mind so that there is no need for sacrifices.  

2) Hypocrisy

When the EMI hits the roof, no problem when they both work. When things are financially stable, suddenly the need at the home front becomes very crucial. Also, you become very progressive when it comes to someone else s daughter but your own daughter or daughter-in-law is different, right!!

"Whenever it comes to values, a good women is the one who will right all the wrongs in family, who will take care of the breakfast-lunch-dinner, keep everything in order, take care of the man of the house and the kids. Because that is how family works, right? " - SERIOUSLY? And we talk about women empowerment and become extremely vocal when there are gender-based discriminations.

3) Shackles

The day a girl child is born in a great family, golden shackles are tied to her. As if she enters the world to be a caring sister, loving daughter, all rounder wife, wonderful daughter-in-law, fix-it-all mother and so on.

What about her dreams? her aspirations? her thoughts?

4) Giving No Choice

Taking a break from grinding corporate life is a different thing but in most parts of India, we do not give choices like ' not to marry', 'not to be a mother'. The day you (girls) are born , your parents have planned everything for you because it is good for you. Seriously, then 100% women must be happy, right?

One working woman goes through a divorce for some reason, her examples are cited to scare everyone but there are many many women at home living with tears , trying their best to make everything right in those 1-2 hrs of interaction with husband and kids end of the day may not be enough.

5) Glorifying Motherhood

Yes. Women == Mother in our culture. I am sorry but we guys are not portrayed as Fathers everywhere. We can be many other things. But for girls, after they are married and have kids, their all identities are absorbed into motherhood.

It works because it is very convenient for the rest. The husband can come back home at 10 pm , pat his 3 month old son and watch cricket, no problems!!! And of course, we mention everywhere we reached here and there because of our mothers. Without her sacrifice, we have never reached where we are now.

My question to you : if we love our mothers so much, why does she have to sacrifice in the first place? 

And how come, everybody is entitled to decide for a mother what is good for her kids?

6) Dependency

May be we would have got 10 marks less in math, had few more feverish weeks but she does not have to depend on us to make life happening. She does not need to wait for our updates. She may had her own work friends, her own hobbies and her own engagements if she was not a housewife.

Being a housewife creates three types of dependency - financial, emotional and success. One needs to taste success only through the promotions of their husbands and trophies of sons/daughters. Who likes 2nd-hand success?

Also, without engagement, people starts loosing confidence and slowly becomes dependent which is not good for anyone in the society.

7) Conspiracy

End of the day, I think the concept of housewife and the glorification of motherhood are tactically-thought conspiracies of patriarchal society. Even I find many women explaining why it is important or so without knowing the level of brainwash happened in their childhood.

8) Men vs Women

In the end, a society where we can not replace men in the role of women and vice versa, is not a stable one. If kids are being taken cared of, let the women work and let the men stay at home. If it is so rewarding to be the caregiver at home, men should get their share of rewards too, right? Children are brought to the world by both and the burden should be carried by both too.

9) Exploitation

Strong word right? When it comes to someone you love and care for. But we have been doing this for ages in the name of family. When 50% of society are not given chances to follow their passion, we are not in our full potential as a society to solve worlds problems.

Nobody needs the house to be cleaned every day, nobody needs the favorite dishes in your dinner table, nobody needs a mother who will give her life for betterment of yours in an infinite loop, what we need is happy sisters, happy mothers, happy daughters who are not brainwashed or held back. 

10) Suffocation

Lets not suffocate women in the society in the name of culture, family values and exploit their emotional beings. Set them Free.

That is ALL.


Next blog will be about survival strategies of working women in this world because society wont realize problems overnight. It is not a Hindi movie where the villain suddenly realizes all the fault and takes a 180 degree turn in the climax. 

Spare the Rod & Spare the Child

Writing this blog on Nov 14th, the day celebrated as Happy Childrens Day because it is important to give children their dues. Just taking pics and posting their pics as proud parents or uncles or aunts are not enough.

Disclaimer: I am not a child psychologist, I am not a physical parent of kids neither I claim to be the one expert w.r.t matters of children. But I have many friends in the age group 0-18, I think about the betterment of their lives & I do respect them like I do to anyone of my age or elder.

There is an old saying "Spare the Rod & Spoil the Child". I so detest that line and the concept, hence this heading. Bear with me for next few paragraphs while I pour my heart out.

#1: Do Not Bring Them to The World, When You Have No Time to Love 

Yes. It is important no matter what your parents think, no matter if your grandparents are in death bed or you are getting too old to reproduce. Not money, not your maturity, not your social status, a child needs love more than anything. Yes, you should be able to give her/him the basic necessities of life. When you are extremely busy with your life, trying to make a marriage work somehow, a child is not your answer to that. If you want to care for kids voluntarily and love part time, we have 10-15 crores children in India who are underprivileged and your little bit of time, energy, care will bring cheer in their lives. Give it a thought.

Bottom-line : Being a parent is one of the most wonderful things in this otherwise ordinary life but resist the temptation till you have time to love and to give some stability to the life of someone you are about to introduce to the world.

#2: Never Ever Use Them To Push Your Decisions

I believe the most common example is to use the issues of well being of a child to ruin a woman's career. It is unethical to use children as a reason for that rather the husband, the family and the society should create easier ways to make sure the mother does not have to quit her job, the grandmother does not have to stress herself to bring up the child and the child gets a good share of everyone's time. Be smart in planning that out.

Bottom-line: If a mother quits a job for her child or stays in a failed marriage, one day that child will come back and tell her that it was a wrong decision. Sacrifice is not a way of life it is rather a short cut sometimes. 

#3: Never Abuse Them in the Name of Controlling Them

Yes. Your son became hyper and started running towards Grand Canyon, to save him, you went overboard..... understood. But at your home, at friend's party, at the teaching desk, if you are comfortable with hitting your child, I am really sorry to say but it is CHILD ABUSE and you are a CHILD-ABUSING PARENT. Just because parents bring their child to the world, they do not get a free pass to hit them. Do not dump your frustration from failures and inefficiencies onto them.

There are different ways of child management and if you are incompetent enough to control them without hitting them, take a course of child management then. It is beyond unfair when you bring a guest home and then beat her/him in the name of imparting principles on to them. 

Bottom-Line : Learn to communicate without Violence. Do not  ever teach them violence as the way of controlling someone from such tender age. Driven by old habits, if you ever touch them in a negative fashion, apologize to your kid immediately and promise to yourself not to do this ever again. 

#4: Respect Them

Yes. You heard it right. Just because they are so young do not take their existence for granted. Love them, Teach them, Take care of them but beyond that, Respect them. They are blessings to your lives and their minds hold keys to the magic boxes of future to make things better.

Treat them like you treat any grown ups. If you think a bit more, we are actually all immature and clueless about the vast knowledge and immeasurable forces that guide the world. So we are actually on the same page.

Do not blackmail them, explain them with logic. No false promises, maintain the same principles you follow with any adults.

Bottom-Line: Kids have the power to make us smile, to hope for a better world and to find a good reason to live in the darkest moments of our lives. Respect them for that.

#5:  Befriend Them

This is my ultimate suggestion that may help any parent to connect when they reach adolescence. Understand that being a mother or a father just represent few bonds you share with your daughter or son. They are many more bonds you can nurture by the friendship. When they grow up and reach 7-8 yrs of age, they need a friend more than a protective mother or father.

Grow as a person with them. Follow the same principles in life that you wish to see in them. Be the friend, philosopher and guide when they need, learn to accept it when they become totally independent & LEARN from them too. 

Bottom-Line: Kids are sometimes our best friends. They give you a pure perspective of life and no matter how much your ignore that, you need that kind of friendship to live a better life. 

Happy Children's Day & Three Cheers for the Child in Us.

Best moments of my lives are given by the children around me with their smiles and by the children who are away by distance but they are close to my heart and their eyes are my motivation to do something beyond I can easily do. Want to add this picture just to remember some of those smiling faces :P

Why Do I run for Asha?

For you all who know me for some time, is aware of my attachment to "Asha for Education" for last 8+ years. It has been a memorable time with like-minded friends, fun events, lots of coordination, wonderful memories during project visits and above all, I believe my thought process has changed quite a bit in these years.

I was never the athletic type since childhood nor bitten by adventure bugs...It is true I want to go as close to possible to nature and like to travel but never thought I can run 21K or so!! Still today I am a very moody runner so do not take notes of my running schedule. One day I feel like running one day I feel like dragging one day I am full with spirits next day I am sleep walking. But the thing that helped me run with a good reason in mind is Team Asha.

Team Asha

I started manning waterstops for Team Asha Atlanta in 2007 and started running in 2008. You will be surprised to know before I ran any official 5K race, I ran an official 21K race (half marathon) in Atlanta Marathon 2008. It was such a memorable time with a good mix of new and old runners and a wonderful coach. We struggled with the distances but in the end, had a strong finish. This picture is the proof :-)

I kept running and fund-raise for Asha in 2009 and 2010 for ING Marathon Atlanta but taken cared of more coordination part. When I moved to Irvine, I used to miss our Team Asha runs quite a bit. 

After a short struggle with PFPS, I started running again this march and thanks to our great training group "Runners High" in Bangalore, become fit enough to run two half marathons in last six months and plan to finish 25K next Sunday in BANGALORE ULTRA. This time too, fundraising for Asha was one of my greatest motivation to wake up at 5 ams (which is super tough for a night owl like me). 

You can support my efforts at (I am still INR 1 Lakh shy of my goal for Bangalore Ultra)

http://www.ashanet.org/bangalore/marathon/runners/Padmanava_Sen.html

And this is me....Very happy while running

Why Run?

• Because it does not need much planning. Just a pair of shoes, some water/electral and some mental strength to go the distance.
• The team spirit is as good as any other game. We want to make sure everyone in our group finish strong
• Gives me a break from the laptops and I can spend time in nice trails or roads listening to my favorite music
• Increased my perseverance and made me overall more energetic in life 
• being fortunate with some great athletes who has ran 42K, 100K, 24 hr runs, 48 hrs runs etc. (super crazies)
• And the obvious, to raise funds as a group that can provide education and hope to the underprivileged children in Asha projects. 

That is all I want to say. It is good to have a great sleep in weekends, to stay home and watch TV, but it is definitely better to go out in the morning, to run as a group rain or shine, to see things different ways after the 5K, 10K, 15K, 20K marks, to remind how water is important in our lives after a long run, to see 10000 people running together,

Now, check out this photo and start running for yourself or a good cause today :-)

Nurturing the Second Thoughts - Childhood vs Competition

Continuing my controversial series.....

Childhood is the best time of our lives if we are lucky to have caring parents, a family that can meet basic needs & sadly, IFF parents are not crazy for competition.

Now we all know, most parents want to fulfill their dreams through their children & sometimes became so obsessed about their so-called great future prospects that it kills the joy of being a child.

Irrespective of that, I have seen varied types of normal childhoods

a) Protective parents & children are unaware of the world around us. They focus on education & all kind of extra curricular activities (mostly in middle-class/upper middle class Indian families)
> The children get sudden shocks in teens or in college. Toughest to deal with given they are extremely pampered sometimes. In future, pampered children tend to struggle more in their marriage since they expect similar treatment from their wife/husband.

b) Over-progressive parents & children being too exposed (some households in India + many households in US -  a quite enjoyable one unless they live in the poverty-stricken pockets of America)
> If these children can avoid some critical mistakes in teens/colleges, they do just fine sometimes better than the (a) types.

c) The Middle Path - where knowingly and unknowingly, children get some bad exposure too & learn from their experiences, so it a mix of joy, sorrow and getting matured.
> I am in this section. I think the expectations from the world are properly set.

Now about the competition part, I am not a parent so you can shout at me. That does not stop me to send this simple message to parents (or prospective parents):

1. You bring them to these lives, but you do not own them. And you may not be right about everything. So learn to study a bit  about child psychology and learn to respect them. If you can respect your children apart from giving them your love and affection, they will learn to respect too. Please realize, you children give your more joy than you give them.

2. Your immaturity and insecurity should not affect their childhood. Usually the weaknesses of parents have great impact on the lives of their children. Try to self-analyze a bit and do not let your vices pass into newer generation. Yes, it is difficult but you can do that.

3. Love is not the answer to all questions. There are several instances where parents ruin the lives of their children even after loving them a lot. Love is a strong emotion and sometimes may force you to react in the most impractical way. So you think you are doing good to them but end up affecting them beyond repair. Mix a good amount of practicality and respect in your pool of affection minus the insecurity and lack of trust - you are in the right position.

4. It is a competitive world but rather build a character in your kids to fight that. She/he does not have to be the first in class and if we revisit lives, a good percentage of kids in the class shine in lives not only the first boy/girl. Help them to to get the best out of them, not to beat his/her classmate who is the first in class.

5. Stop the COMPARISON with their classmates. Period. If you compared them with others in class or try to compete with other parents, you are in the completely wrong path & ruining your happiness and your child's too.

6. Making them a superstar may be your priority, not the child's. Yes, I know after school,  you may want a swimming class, dancing class, karate class, piano class, painting class & what not. But when will she/he play then? May be it is not bad idea to give them different options of extra curricular and see what they are interested in. Another request : No typecasting for Gender. You may have all wished her to be a dancing maestro but if she loves cricket (or painting), let her enjoy that. Similarly, if a boy loves dancing more than soccer, do not get angry as you have always dreamt of playing soccer with your soon.

7. Keep some time to educate them truly beyond textbooks. Build good qualities in them. Volunteer with them for a non-profit and nurture a culture of giving. Treat them as your friends. Give them responsibility when needed. TRUST them. Seniority in relation or age should not be focus in making decision. Bring a leader in them, not a follower. (India, for one, needs leaders than followers more than anything)

8. May sound rude, but do not bring a child to this world, if you are not ready for it. Be a little less selfish in this respect and forget society rules, it is important to realize once you bring a child to this world, she/he becomes a good involvement and your character & time plays a good role in bringing them up.

Now, what I enjoyed in my childhood - I enjoyed the games of cricket and soccer played in local club, the freedom of having spare time, the peace in mind being shielded from the complexity of world, chit chat with school friends, Aunt/Uncle's house visits, the wonderful tiffins my mom used to make during school days & the unexpected gifts I used to get from near & dear ones in birthdays; last but not the least, the epic fights I used to have with my Ma for being an adamant person from childhood.

I have seen enough sorrow and bad sides of life in my childhood and I do not regret a single day for that because they made me a mentally stronger person. That does not mean every child should be exposed to the bad parts of life but it is OK to have some exposure when it is around.

I turned out OK in my academics because I was practical enough to start studying well at critical junctions say Class 8/9. Realized when to focus on studies and when to refrain from cricket/movies etc & during those times, got enough support from people close to me. That was important.

I still remember the teacher who told I have no brain to do math and the teacher who told me I am very good at math. They both encouraged me in different ways. I still remember the punishment I got in class for something I did not do and how affected I was when some classmates conspired to suppress me in order to beat me in the meaningless competition.

Every day, I want to teach students and young kids that succeed with your classmates and friends, do not try to snatch the glory by leaving them behind.  Every day, I want to tell people that meritocracy at young age is not fair before the path is curved. You can not compare kids of class V and say one is better than others, they have a long way to go & some may hop, some may run & some may walk.
If you love competition, Compete with yourself, not your friends or classmates.

So everyone must realize education is not competition and childhood is not the time for the competition. It is a time to create memories, it is a time to build character, it is a time to help a new addition to the world how important her/his role is & it is a time to Enjoy Life in the purest way. A mother/father must never forget what you could have enjoyed more in your childhood and have those dreams fulfilled for your kids, not your practical success-driven wishes.

NOTE: I am not a parent. I am not a child psychologist. I am not trying to consider my childhood as a baseline. However, I respect kids like I do respect elderly and that is why I am writing this post.

Nurturing the Second Thoughts - The Cycle of Life

I know I am slowly moving into controversial domain where people have difference of opinions. But I am tired of saying the same things to everyone and sometimes writing them out helps :-)

As we over-think everything, we definitely have second thoughts more often than we know. However, in some critical decision making process, these thoughts represent the doubts we have on a well-proven and accepted concept. Alas! we can not nurture them for 1001 reasons. In a series of posts, I will bother you with some second thoughts (suppressed ones) for the cycle of life.

What is Cycle of Life for a normal individual?

Before you know, you start learning things, you start playing and you start caring for things important to you. Then before you realize, books become more important than everything else. You definitely love your parents and your siblings. Life was fine till 10-11. Then you start feeling the pressure of competition. They reach a peak around 18-19 yrs of age. When you have maximum tendency to deviate, then your career path is decided by your intelligence, available guidance, opportunities and sheer luck (YES, ask any first generation learner how luck plays).

Fine, so then you take the path of engineers, doctors, teachers, entrepreneurs, laborers or struggling ones. You try to reach stability and before you become stable or matured enough, you fall in love or intend/being forced to get married (depending on your background, these two may come in this order or in the reverse). So you settle down, right?

Now your friends start having babies, your parents or grandparents start giving signals & sometimes, you want to jump to the next phase just being bored in the current one. Having kids is a wonderful thing and you definitely need them more than you need you. They add that purity in your heart, you started missing in the grinding life style to survive.

But they grow up so fast and before you know it, you forget to live independently without them like earlier times. Then happiness or sadness of your world would depend on happenings of their lives. You will slowly look for the next phase. But that next phase depends on them now. Their success, decisions, physical locations and "cycle of life" guide your "cycle of life". Towards the end, you may limit yourself to less activities, mostly motivate yourself from emotional happenings and one day, leave this place & all the belongings you cared so much. That is about it.

So why should you have any second thoughts here???? Life is so simple, predictable, painful yet a wonderful mixed bag. Why should there be any other path. Right?

Trust me, YOU are the LUCKIEST PERSON on EARTH if you are never bothered with the thoughts below...

The troubling thoughts that comes with a suggestion SUPPRESS ME PLEASE!!

There are three main phase-changing events in life and there are bunch of questions associated with it. Career and other things change the path of life slightly but that do not influence us so much as these three.

1) An enjoyable childhood to a competitive student life: 

Do we ever ask ourselves/our parents/teachers if studying pages and pages of books will do any good to the world or not?

Why does certain aptitude/skill-set become so decisive? (take example of IIT exams, which test some of your skills but decides your engineering future)

Why parents can not think beyond the so called story of success? (World is tough for aspiring painters, writers or actors/actresses any day)

What is true education? (If the education system is so mature, why the world is suffering so much?)


2) The Marriage/ Commitments of Love :

Can I think of alternative life beyond love, marriage and kids?

At an age of 25, the world can open so many doors, but why my parents,family members and friends are so worried about my marriage? Can't they think any other path to happiness?

Why marriage should be driven by glorification of simple laws of attraction, hormones or insecurity?

Why it is considered as an achievement and not a choice of life that can be ignored too?

3) Having own Kids and making them the center of life :

What is so special about ones gene that it should be continued?

When you are bringing up a child, she/he gives you more happiness than you offer to her/him. You owe them. Should not you think about that in later years while trying to control everything in their lives?

Why with millions of little kids being malnourished and denied good education & upbringing, the world needs one more child?

Why everyone should not think about investing own energy to bring smiles to the underprivileged kids before bringing in a new one? Should not we invest our energy to solve existing problems?

Why everyone should have the same happiness and same cycle of life ?

I will delve into more details and boring analysis in my future related posts but it is unfortunate that most people do not have time for such thoughts. Even after being self-aware, people do not want to miss out the known happy moments and scared to delve into new ways of living life. Children are brought up that way so that they can not to think outside the box.

It is true some people are family people; for them being a successful student, marrying early and having kids are the right steps to be happy and in turn, their duty as a good citizen. Agreed!

But what about the rest? What about suppressing own dreams to listen to parents? What about over-committing in a relation and ending up in marriages full of lies and pretensions? What about bringing a kid to a conflicting world? Why make a new addition to the world crazy with competition and take up the role of parents who want to fulfill their own dreams in the name of good parenting?

That is why I think we should pay more heed to the suppressed second thoughts. What do you think???

Please Note: This is no way related to any challenges in my personal life. I am lucky to have a progressive family background where marriage etc are optional. Also, many folks in USA may not connect to this as they are away from the push and pressure. But today's youth in India are still ready to take risks in professional lives but can not own their choice in personal lives. Just want to prove myself wrong here.....